Sunday, May 11, 2014

Feeling Like a Failure

It’s 2:30 a.m. and I find myself wide awake…within minutes tears are gushing as I have these overwhelming thoughts of Eldest Daughter graduating in three weeks. The tears, however, were not because of her graduation, they stemmed from a darkness I felt overcoming my mind and repetitive thoughts of my failure as a mother echoing.

I couldn’t shake the feeling, nor could I stop every lost temper, or lost chance to see a ballgame, or bad choice I had made flooding my mind like a crashing wave that was growing into a tsunami.

Almost two hours had passed when I finally did what I always hear pastors tell people to do, “Give it to God.”

I began to pray, “God just let me remember one good memory with my babies; one good time they enjoyed me and we had fun, just one…please, just one.”

I can’t explain this darkness that was attempting to consume me but I can tell you that as I began to form the words through my tears that God answered me and I heard this loop in my mind saying, “You gave them me. You gave them everything they need. You brought me into your home. You have raised them in the love and nurture of me, and when they grow older they will not depart from me. They are redeemed by the blood of the Lamb. You have worked to be a living example of my ways. You have not failed. You gave them me.”

In that very first word in my mind I felt a calmness come over me. I felt a light penetrate the darkness of my mind and it set me free of what had been surrounding me.

I knew that no matter my failure and shortcomings, they all have a relationship with God, and as a mother that was my most important job.

I took this picture last November...not sure why I took it other than I wanted to capture a moment of being so thankful that these two know whom they serve.

How do I know this was God intercepting in my moment of despair? I’ve learned he always answers me twice – I don’t know why, he just always confirms for me. (My last name is Thomas – maybe I’m a doubting Thomas and he is always reassuring me. ???)

Anyway, my confirmation came this morning on Mother’s Day.

My husband woke me up to give me his gift – he never waits until the actual holiday, so this was big. At 7:00 a.m. he was handing me tri-folded papers and a gift certificate to our local nursery for new landscaping plants.

As I unfolded the letter, I began to read a poem that he had penned. The second line read, “For the guidance and faith that you give our children.” I knew immediately that God had worked through my husband to ensure me that he was very much with me three nights before answering me. The poem continued on to read almost exactly the same things I had heard in my head three nights before.

I laid the papers down and hugged my husband…then asked, “When did you write this?” He said, “Three nights ago.”

My God is real…and no matter how we as mothers feel sometimes that we have failed, just know that they don't need a perfect momma, all they really need is a Godly momma. A momma who tries to abide by the Word of God, a momma who will pray over her babies, and teach them his ways are higher than ours…for all the rest there is Grace.

In other Thomas family business:

The Eldest Girl attended her Senior Prom last night. We started with hair and make-up in an empty office at the dealership about an hour before my shift ended. We moved on to the house where we slipped her into a long red dress and satin high heels. I watched the Boyfriend as she ascended the steps. I’ve envisioned this scene in my mind ever since she were little – her walking down a staircase on her prom night. It was surreal…

We headed over to my sister’s house, where her baby shower was in progress.

We then headed to her friend’s house for group photos and then on to the high school to catch the limo.

I took my usual place at the high school around 8:00 p.m. A bench by the front door where the prom goers walk in. For the past seven years I was there as a journalist, capturing a picture of every couple to post to the online newspaper. This year I was just a mom waiting to catch a glimpse of my baby walking through those doors.

As I stated above, my sister is pregnant with her third baby – another girl! Naming this sweet bundle has proved to be difficult this round. My niece, the 4-year-old, was with me a couple of weeks ago and I asked her what she wanted to name baby sister. Before I go on I must tell you that my neighbor’s name is Euna. So I ask and she immediately, without hesitation, said Euna.

Taken back I thought, “That’s odd.” So I asked what her middle name would be. Immediately, with annoyance in her voice like I should already know, she belted out, “CORN!”

I like it! And she’s right, I should have known that…Euna Corn…

I wonder if she thinks Ms. Euna next door has the same middle name.

My son thought my nephews were named Kitten (Kenton) and Maxwhale (Maxwell). I learned this when he addressed Valentine’s Day cards to them several years ago. I didn’t tell him any different…I’m still letting him think his aunts are the crazy ones of the family. Happy Mother’s Day to me! Maybe I’m not so bad…I didn’t name my kids after animals.