Friday, September 21, 2012

Caught on Camera

Your first thoughts of my dress? I ask so later in the blog you can compare your thoughts with my sons.
I was tagged in this photo by the events photographer. Yes, that’s me, the girl on the clean eating diet and here I am pushing my way through the crowd headed to the dessert table – true story. Thanks for reminding me Linda that I have no self control.

I had to cover the Annual Chamber of Commerce Dinner tonight which featured all the county's business leaders and special guest, Tom Mabe (CMT’s Comedian from Mabe in America). He was hilarious.

I always enjoy this event, it’s encouraging to see a room full of leaders come together and present awards to several they feel did something that has impacted the area. I love my community and the older I get, the more I respect these people who are our business leaders/politicians.

It was a packed house, barley room to walk through the maze of tables. Local musicians provided soft background music and a local caterer, coupled with DECA students, served a home-cooked meal.

I came home to find my boys watching X Factor. I walk behind the counter to kiss my husband when the boy says, “I like your shirt mom – you look like a transformer.”

Here I thought all the stares I recieved was for my new hairdo…but now I realize everyone was waiting for me to turn into a car and roll out the door.

If I were Transformer I’d want to be one of those sassy, little, two door Mercedes…very cool - BUT, I’d probably be a stupid Smart Car. I probably wouldn’t be a car-at-all. My luck, I’d be a dumb can opener.

Favorite Quote of the Day: I stay in shape by doing Yoga two or three times a week. And by “doing Yoga” I really mean shaving my legs.

Monday, September 17, 2012

Arresting My Neighbor

I get one cheat meal every week on this boot camp meal plan. Hold that thought.

I started this boot camp last Saturday with a couple of friends. I need to be a little more serious about toning, so I thought I would give this six week adventure a try. The first Saturday I’m pretty sure I heard the Sesame Street song playing during the workout, with a light shining on me…”One of these people are doing their own thing, the rest of these people are doing the same thing.”

At the end of class we were given a meal plan that includes a whole bunch of nothing good to choose from. Nothing ooey or gooey, nothing creamy or saucy…how can a person survive? And then there’s the 100 oz of water per day. I shall not stop my affair with my diet coke. So, I’m alternating. My doctor has me alternate advil and Tylenol…this has to be the same idea – diet coke, water, diet coke, water.

I typically eat pretty clean anyways but I’m not too strict. She did give us ONE cheat meal each week. I had mine Saturday afternoon; I worked ahead since I am an overachiever and had week three’s cheat meal Sunday and week four’s cheat meal today. At this pace, I’m going to finish this boot camp way ahead of everyone else. WINNING!

In other Thomas’ family business:

Saturday morning I headed to the radio station to work for the Eldest Daughter who had an ALL day volleyball tournament. As I pulled out of the driveway at 5:30 a.m. it was still dark and I see a car, headlights on, stopped in the road almost in front of my house…there is a body looming around the car.

Quickly my Charlie’s Angles instincts kick-in and I realize that the neighborhood bandit is here. Right here in front of me. (Refer to last week blog about neighbor’s car being broken into)

I stop and formulate a plot because I realize I have the chance to be a hero…a real one. So, I decide to investigate further by pretending to put mail into my mailbox. I find an envelope addressed to me and opened – it’s perfect! I pull out of my driveway and up to my mailbox with my eyes fixated on the bandit. My headlights are about to illuminate the being in the road when I hear my mailbox bite the side of my car. CRAP! I just totally foiled my plot. Now the bandit will NEVER take me serious when I jump out and scream “Citizens Arrest!!!”

I back up and pull back up to the mailbox; I must carry out my plan. I can’t just drive away now. I reach and put the fake mail into the box and I hear a voice say, “Do you have a tire pump?”

I jump like Freddy Kruger just reached into my car.

I look up to see my neighbor at my window. She had a flat tire. The good news is I didn’t have to arrest my neighbor. The bad news is my car has another scratch.

Quote of the day: Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor anything that is thy neighbor's. Nor shalt thy arrest they neighbor...

Friday, September 14, 2012

Downstairs Parent Makes Me Rich??

Time 10:25 p.m. Thursday, Sept. 13, 2012 – high school homecoming eve:

“Do you want to paint our capes in the foyer,” – Eldest Daughters friend.

I’m caught between the point of sleep that I don’t want to talk to you but I can still hear you. I pick up my cell phone and call the downstairs parent. “I just heard one of the girls ask if they wanted to paint their capes in the foyer. Please tell them to take them outside and paint in the grass; NOT THE PORCHES, NOT THE SIDEWALK, NOT THE DRIVEWAY.”

Laughing, he said ok.

I have a total of eight kids in my house when I awake at 6 a.m. Friday morning. The five high school girls are awake and on the move. Hair is being flat ironed, two are sitting against the bedroom wall looking like a mug shot (not sure any of them slept) and one is in the shower.

I go downstairs, make coffee, wash dishes, drink a glass of water (the start to the 100 oz. my boot camp instructors says I have to consume each day – I may drown on this diet) and make my protein shake. I wake the kid who lives in the toy room with the cat and then I ascend the stairs to wake bunk-bed kid and then onto the boy who gets lost in his down comforter every night; making me search for him every morning while worrying that he was kidnapped in the middle of the night.

I hear a chatty group of girls heading out the door and I rush out to grab a picture of them before they go to school.

I open the front door, step off the stoop and stop dead in my tracks. I am faced with an orange and blue “J SWAG” painted on my porch. The faint, spottiness of the paint tells me that the neighborhood preschoolers didn’t form a gang and paint some gang lingo on my porch overnight. My second clue comes when I look up and see an identical emblem draped across my daughters back.

After the girls head off for one of the few days they will remember the most in high school, I ascend the steps again to interrogate the “downstairs” parent.

I gently rub his arm to wake him and softly say, “Hun, when I called you last night with direct instructions to give the girls at what point did you drop the ball? There’s an awesome orange and blue J SWAG painted on the front porch. Did you not tell them to take it to the front yard and keep off the porches, sidewalks and driveway?”

He pleads a weak case saying he told them to take it to the grass, BUT I learn he didn’t explain all the places NOT to paint. He just assumed…

Math lesson: Obviously, if they thought they could paint on the hardwood in the foyer, then they probably couldn’t figure out that the paint would bleed - just a quick calculation I was able to make while in a fragmented coma like sleep.

I’m going to have to make flash cards with possible parenting scenarios – if these work I’ll market them for all moms. Keep your eyes open, I can already see the infomercial in my mind…

Look at “downstairs parent” making us rich with his assumptions about teenager’s common sense. Huh, Necessity IS the mother of invention, right?

Monday, September 10, 2012

Parading Criminals

$300 missing from my neighbors truck this morning…what makes me the maddest? The fact people will blame him for leaving his truck unlocked. What happened to the days of leaving your car door unlocked just in case your neighbor needed to borrow it throughout the night?

In my business, journalism, I get the opportunity to see just how tainted my area of residence is on a daily basis. I spend my time looking through stacks of citations, court dockets and listening to the police scanner. I’ve been telling my husband for months that we are going to have to start making for sure the vehicles are locked at night.

In the past year I not only started locking my vehicle but I started sleeping with two guns in my bedroom at arm’s reach; cause I’m handy with the steel, if you know what I mean (if you know what song that line if from – you’re getting old cause you’re my age). It’s a sad day in American when Podunk isn’t safe anymore.

I think if we start taking all of these criminals to every parade that comes around and making them walk through with a placard around their neck listing their name and crime, then maybe we will start seeing a decrease in petty crimes. AND, instead of them throwing candy at us, we go back to medieval times and we throw rotten fruits and vegetables at them. We are all looking for a stress release, this idea I do believe may heal us all.

Moving on:

I started boot camp Saturday morning where I go and have a woman with one of those ear piece microphones and buns of steel make me do abnormal things to my body.

I got the list of what to bring to the gym with me. It was a workout in itself just getting it all inside the car, back out and into the building. Yoga balls are not portable! Two sets of weights, a towel, deck of cards, a mat, and resistant bands. I was a broken down mule before I even got started.

The worst? Standing on the dish towel and falling forward onto my hands and dragging myself across the gym floor. Frick! Frack! That sucked! The good news – I paid for six weeks of this…I PAID for this. I’m an idiot.

I was sore from the tips of my earlobes to my toenails. Still am.

My clean eating chart says I have to drink 100 oz of water a day. My question today? Does the water in my coffee count? If not, I’m 8 oz in for the day and its bedtime. I’m obviously very good at this.

Tomorrow I promise to hit double digits in the water category. I hate to cheat on my diet coke…it really loves me so much. But I guess now that I look at the word I just typed out, DIEt coke, the first three letters of that may entice me to pull out the water bottle.

As my friend Brittany says, if I die, tell my story.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Knitting In A Public Bathroom

It’s been a wild ride this month; so much so that I didn’t need to actually ride any of the rides setup at the county fair this past week.

No month is complete without my weird sickness – this month I was blessed to experience food poisoning – or giving birth to NO baby, as I call it. Luckily, I was not home, comfortable in my bed to experience this wonderful event. Nope, I was getting ready to board an airplane. About 10 minutes before boarding, I started yacking! Good times.

All I wanted was the last row on the plane, near the restroom or potty closet – whichever. But nooo, those seats were already taken. I always hated those older, pushy kids that hogged the back seat on the bus, now they are all grown up hogging back seats on planes. It’s ok, I don’t hate you…anymore.

I got to sit between my husband and a very chatty strange man. I just wanted to punch him in the throat and tell him to stop talking SO MUCH – I obviously was DYING!

I almost apologized when we were leaving the plane and the stranger bid me farewell and get well wishes. I almost said, “I’m sorry I wanted to take your life, earlier,” but I thought that might be awkward first words to say out loud to him.

OHHH, the pain of food poisoning. I almost pulled it off. I had a grand scheme of jumping up and RUNNING to the front of the plane once we landed. I needed off that plane and to the nearest restroom. I was fantasizing about vomiting. I could not wait…

I really could not wait until the plane landed.

The worst thing about being sick in public is the time you have to spend knitting a pair of gloves and a toilet seat cover out of napkins before you can actually “be sick.”

Once this was in place, I was bracing myself against the walls, which were only two feet apart.

Poor person who was in line to use the restroom after me, I owe them an apology. We’ll just leave it at that.

My husband and I were fortunate enough to have a four day vacation in Florida, alone – just the two of us. I spent the last morning eating some precut/prepackaged fruit for breakfast, and I reheated some pork tenderloin from a couple nights before. Not sure which was the toxic element.

Jason keeps telling me that “living healthy” is going to kill me. He may be right.

We have only been on two trips all by ourselves in that last 16 years…it was awesome to get away.

I read the best book…”Heaven is for Real.” Buy it, Read it!

I spent the day after we got home, in the bed sick. Middle Girl was in the county teen pageant. She made Top 10!

So much more of August to talk about, but that’s another blog. Go buy the book and read it…carry on.