Saturday, March 31, 2012

Flock of Teenage Boys

Skanky Dwarf….that would have been my name today if I had been banished to the woods to live with small men. I smelled affright after my 10 hour day of progress. For the first time ever I started, finished and cleaned up a project, all by my grownup self. Last night I sanded the peeling paint off of my back doors, cleaned them and my back porch columns and today I painted my back doors and changed the look of my front door. I painted the side lights white and stained the door a much darker cocoa brown. Love it…the stain under my fingernails looks skanky.
Tomorrow, I’m painting the columns. I put an ad on facebook for a landscaping company that works for free to show up today; nobody showed. If they show tomorrow, they are sooo FIRED! Losers! I only watched the last 9 minutes of the UK vs. U of L game. They were tied up and I knew my husband was freakin’ – sure glad they won! Eldest Girl hosted a UK viewing party for about 10 teenage girls. I was upstairs and heard some commotion outside. I looked out to find about 10 teenage boys playing ball in my driveway. I feel a little bit like the famous quote, “If you build it they will come.” Except, if you host them, they will come. We have a couple teenage boys in the neighborhood and they have friends who visit but they migrate to my house. I have no idea why…
On the same note, I got my CCDW license in the mailbox today. *clearingthroat I’m watching Footloose now, it’s good to see that Aerial is still a skanky sl*t in the remake. Would have hated for the produces to have cleaned her up. However, I still love Willard. My fingertips are sore from using a razor blade to scrape paint off of the glass. Didn’t know fingertips could be sore, never used mine before. Going to go and soak them…

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Three Kids and Counting

I think the Duggars are fascinating. The kindness they all seem to exhibit to each other and even strangers is inspiring. There is a 14-year-old girl laying tile…in a skirt. Impressive, to say the least. Not sure I would encourage any women I know to birth this many children BUT I do encourage their parenting techniques. Every child plays an instrument, every child cleans and has chores, every child prays, every child respect elders, every child reads and can use a skill saw. AND they all say “Thank You, Mom” on their birthdays. I wonder if the Duggars’ take kids for a week of camp? They should offer this. I’m considering dropping mine off and driving away, like dropping off stray cats. You know they would take them in, they're too nice not to. I bet when I pick them up, six years later, they would be totally able to build a house and cook a steak. It’s like a modern Little House on the Prairie.

I would teach my kids these things myself, but, I have the wrong last name. All this time I thought it was my impatience. Maybe next go-round I will be a Duggar and patience will be my life's calling. This go-round, shouting and snapping seems to work pretty well. Spitting half pronounced words with one eye shut also calms a bunch of rowdy kids.

In other 87th day business:

The middle girl has had a rough day. She woke up not feeling well, went to school only half a day and played her last volleyball game. She’s the only child that I have ever known that does not want to grow up. She’s most content being momma’s girl – and I’m ok with that. She’s such a sweet girl.

The boy has decided to gather pennies for the “Pennies for Patients” drive at school. He robbed his father’s bucket down stairs. I’m not going to tell him that was his college fund. The best part is watching this bag of bones PULL his backpack across the floor. You should only be allowed to steal what you can carry with ease.

The eldest girl has been helping out with the Jr. Spikers club this week. I think she likes it; she only speaks when she’s being paid. Hence the weekend job of newscaster.

The husband scored a new contract today. I’m excited for him. I will find him the perfect celebratory gift to buy me. Maybe he and I should talk about the gift over dinner. A pink pistol has my eye…

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Pray For My Coordinates

I do believe in all my study of the book of Revelation over the past few years, the upcoming weekend may be the beast rising up out of the waters in Chapter 13.

This next weekend could possibly be the apocalypse for the Commonwealth of Kentucky. History has been made; UK faces U of L in the Final Four.

I’m not sure if we will survive the week, good thing we are Doom’s Day Preppers now – I hate when…

As I am typing this the Baronne Plaza calls my house at 10 p.m. I have a feeling this place is located in New Orleans and the men downstairs are the reason they are calling my home. It’s cute when boys dream out loud.

Any-who…I hate that these games cause the worst to come out in people, but at the same time I am so excited. If everyone plays their cards right, (no pun intended) this could be great for the state of Kentucky. Praise God the game is moved to another state. Poor New Orleans, not sure they can handle the hurricane that’s about to hit! These people need to add “Ballgame” insurance to their policies.

The weekend’s been full of ballgames, kids and snot. Gotta love the snot. It’s amazing how much pain this can cause a body. I’m so sick and tired of being sick and tired. The only good part about being sick is the loss of appetite. Guess who didn’t lose their appetite? This LUCKY girl. I’ve eaten all weekend. Well, praise God! I would have hated to wakeup thinner after the weekend.

My husband’s friend, Jay, who is a dentist, told me to put on a sweat suit, thick socks, toboggan and gloves on, and go to bed. He said this would “sweat” the virus out of my system. I made it to bed with everything but the gloves and toboggan. I woke up with nothing on but my t-shirt. Apparently my sleeping self outsmarted my awake self and just waited until I was asleep to dress appropriately for bed. Unfortunately, I cannot give you a review of Dr. Jay’s virus remedy. I can say I feel a bit better today; maybe I “sweated” half the virus away.

As the middle girl was praying tonight I heard her say, “God, watch over our coordinates.” I had heard her say this before and wasn’t for sure if I heard her correctly. Tonight, I stopped her and asked what coordinates were. She said, “I have no idea, I heard you say it one night and thought it must be important so I better start praying about it.” Oh my goodness…I guess I was praying while high on Benadryl and speaking Pig Latin. I must pray alone on those night. Who knows what else she’s praying for. At least I know we will never get lost.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

I Got My Imaginary Friends High

It is National Ravioli Day!

So, I made cheeseburgers and tots for dinner.

I cooked dinner about 3:30 p.m., we ate at 4:00 p.m. A bit early (three hours) but I had a list of things to get done and this was on the list. Nap was on the list after that – two hours long. Missed Zumba tonight and woke up with a crazy sore throat from the early allergy season. Today’s amount of Benadryl knocked me out! I really should not be operating heavy machinery, so I will make this blog quick.

Today in the news world, not a lot went on. A meter shorted behind the hospital. The fire department was called. The medical center was closed. Well, that was exciting. Another day at work.

I am so ready for a new hairdo. Any suggestions out there? My husband rarely ever says anything about my hair. He likes it any way – or he’s a liar. His favorite is “high school” hair. I was in high school in the early 90’s. I used a toothbrush to tease my bangs. I cannot go back, I would so get my teeth toothbrush and my hair toothbrush mixed up. That’s not a risk I am willing to take. Plus, I can’t find the orange can of Aqua Net anymore. BUT recently, as I am pandering on my current style, he whispers in my ear how much he loves my long hair. (shaking fist)

My middle girl got to play up in the volleyball game tonight, she was excited. Then she said, “We all played up.”

The boys had basketball practice tonight and the eldest girl got her eyebrows shaped up as she read her biology paper to me. I don’t remember having to write papers in biology, nor do I remember by mother tweezing my eyebrows. I am such a good mother. Oh crap, I put a Biore’ strip on her face two hours ago, I just realized I haven’t taken it off. Wonder if she is sleeping in it. Oh no…

That’s what I get for bragging about being a good mother. Guess I will put the medal back in the drawer.

Quote of the Day:

Writers Block: When your imaginary friends won’t talk to you.

I’m there – or maybe they are high on Benadryl. Sorry guys.

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Gun Powder and Lead

I was late. The husband told me 8:30 a.m. and the class started at 8:00 a.m. The scary part? I was late for a class full of people being certified to carry a gun. Part of the class was scoring an 11 out of 20 on the target shooting. They all brought guns to class, people!

Luckily, I was not shot at.

I have dreaded this class for over a year; ever since the husband bought me my very own pistol. It’s a cute, little gun with a laser light scope on it. Actually, it really was very interesting, and I now know all the reasons I can legally shot and kill you.

I had never shot a gun before – unless you count a BB gun. I scored a 20/20 on the target. Four shots hit the center target, six hit the 10, six hit the 9 and four hit the 8. Yay me! It was not near as difficult as I thought and the recoil was little. I just knew the gun would spring back and break my face. But with luck, there was no face breaking today.

I think we all should learn something new every day.

Today, I learned to shoot a gun and gained all the legal knowledge to carry it on my person.

Tomorrow, I am considering learning to knit. My gun needs a holster and Pinterest had a knitting link on it.

Everything in balance peeps.

I forgot to mention this in last night’s blog but this was kind of funny. The middle girl and I went to the Knights of Columbus for their Friday night fish fry. My friend Steven, who practices a different denomination of faith as I do, was serving the fish. Our daughters play volleyball together and I asked if he was going to the game and I explained that I could not go. I said, “I have CCDW class tomorrow.” He said, “What’s that, some kind of religious thing?” I laughed and said, “No, it’s Carry Concealed Deadly Weapons class, but I guess now that we are Doom’s Day Preppers, you could consider it a religious thing.” Funny.

In other 77th day business:

I got to spend the afternoon with a friend shopping. Got the Eldest Girl some business attire for her DECA trip and found her red skinny jeans, which I had to put back since they were $60 and were not $60 great. She informed me last night that for her 16th birthday she wants to take friends to a One Direction concert and spend the night in a hotel. She explained that she would be wearing red skinny jeans and a black and white striped shirt, just like the outfit her favorite band member wears all of the time. I said, “You think this guy is going to be impressed with you dressing like a guy; him?” She said, “It obviously shows my dedication to him.” Oh, well I see her logic now. I would have loved for her dad to show up at my door, while we were dating, dressed like me. Now that would have really impressed me. If only on Prom he would have shown up in the same dress as me. I always wanted to be that “matching couple.” We could have grown up to be a power couple; if only.

UK and U of L move on to the Sweet 16.

The middle girl served in her volleyball game for the first time today and scored five consecutive points! Proud momma…

Our community lost a great business man to cancer today. My heart is heavy for his family.

Friday, March 16, 2012

Lonely Ole Night

It’s rare for me to use the term bored, but tonight I am restless. I have thousands of items on “the list” to accomplish but I can’t seem to muster enough energy/desire to accomplish any of them and I am very unsatisfied to spend the evening in bed with my beloved Pinterest. Odd feeling.

Yet, I find myself back in the studio tonight, with a turned off microphone in front of me. This is where I end up every Friday night about this time.

I know the above sentence sounds like some beginning/ending to a deep novel or great movie. One of those you get lost in the characters serious, twisted life of love, desperation or pain. My lonely Friday night date with my workplace is not one of desperation for something more. It’s simply; I drive Ms. Daisy to work every Friday night.

The Eldest Girl is our Saturday morning newscaster and she records her earliest morning newscast the previous night. Kentucky law will now allow her to work before 7 a.m. due to her age.

I am not having a love affair with my office. Even though I did watch a portion of the TV show “My Strange Addiction” where a guy was in love with his car, Chase, and he would have “relations” with “Chase.” I think I will stop here and pray for Chase. Poor car.

In other 76th day business:

I have one itchy eye. Darn allergies. I guess to see the cup half full I am thankful I do not have two itchy eyes. If I put Benadryl cream in my eye, would this be bad?

I am overwhelmed today by the generosity of my family. My Eldest Girl earned her way to compete in the DECA National Competition but this means lots of money for plane tickets, registration for us both and hotel rooms for several nights. Without asking, my family began to invest into her education and experiences in life. I prayed God would provide the provisions needed and he surely was faithful. From the bottom of our hearts, we appreciate their generosity and we are truly blessed.

Welp, Ms. Daisy needs a ride home. See you next week. I’ll be the girl packing the gun after tomorrow. I suggest Kevlar vests for all who may be around me anytime soon. No, I don’t have an anger issue, I have a clumsy issue. Would hate to “ooops” you to death.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

I Grew Up To Be Wierd

The husband strolls past our bed and I yell, “Hey, brush my teeth while you’re in there.”

“It won’t be too long ‘til we’ll be sharing a pair,” he quickly replies.

Was sharing teeth during our golden years part of our wedding vows? I don’t remember this and I didn’t read the fine print. This is why you should NOT get married at 19. Forget all the other reasons you might think would keep you from marrying at such a young age. This is the reason. You probably get a second hand marriage certificate that has fine print like the above problem. If I had only waited until 20, I would get my own set of teeth…

Doom’s Day Preppers…has anyone else seen this? At first, this thing seems crazy. At second glance I am seeing empty milk jugs all over my house and I have been signed up to take my CCDW license this Saturday. Thanks husband. He thinks it’s time I learn to use my gun and be able to have it with me. I think he’s turning into one of them. Not sure if I should be concerned or start saving the seeds from my food. Crap, I never wanted to be the weird family. This is such good news, the kids will be thrilled.

In other 75th day business:

I picked my NCAA bracket today based on coin flips, school names that were fun to say and home teams. So far, I haven’t missed any!

Oh, just learned we have to build a bunker to be a part of the Dooms Day Preppers people. This could be fun. (rolling eyes)

Wednesday, March 14, 2012


Charlie said it best BUT the Eldest Girl did it best! This kid’s face was priceless when they announced her and her friend as the 1st place winners in their category of the Kentucky State DECA competition. Total shock and excited married together!

The skinny of the night prior to her winning started with her believing she had not done very well. She was concerned with the amount of questions the judges asked them after their presentation. A long bottom lip was dragging the ground the next morning as we were getting ready for the awards ceremony. Needless to say, that trophy turned that frown upside down!

She’s now headed to compete in Nationals!!! I expect everyone to dedicate a day of crossing fingers for her.

I realized in the picture of us that my girl is taller than me; both my girls are now. How did this happen. I married a short man on purpose! How has his DNA failed me? I bet it kicks in on the boy; the boy who dreams of being an NBA star. Thanks honey, I knew I could depend on you.

Do you know there are levels of “sour” laundry? I was not aware of this until my children, yet again, left the towels in the washer too long. This time the towel didn’t smell like DANG IT, it was more like Frito corn chips. This smell lingers on the skin. My face stinks. Didn’t even know that was possible. I never thought I would say my face stinks. The crapy part of this stench is it doesn’t come out until the towel gets damp. So, drying my face was the catalyst to this monster stink attacking my face. Can you see how finding all the rancid towel/washrags will be an issue. My sanity is questionable at this point.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Peg Rolled Jeans

Guess what’s baaaaaaaaa-aaack!?! Peg rolled jeans! Double take the picture again…

I know! I’m sooo excited. I loved it in high school – hated for years – and now can’t wait to have it back! I think my big hair could see a comeback also. My husband will be so excited! He would do a rock star kick, if he could. Noooo, he's not too old. His legs are short.

I found this beauty tonight on Pinterest…you know, the place where my real life lives. Looking at Pinterest is so much better than trying to act out all of these ideas. My hair is so tired of trying to be braided and wrapped around my head 40 different ways. I’m thinking I am hair inept.

We are planning our summer vacation and it’s looking like we are going to finally take our children to Disney World. We have been successful in breaking this parenting commandment for 15 consecutive years, but I’m tired of being a sinner. So it looks like we are Disney bound. I’m excited about having a hat with extra ears on it, spending all our money on seeing over sized animals that talk, and with any luck Prince Charming will apologize for never showing up when I was 8. Loser!

Searching for a place to stay is exhausting. I’ve narrowed it down to two.

The Eldest Girl headed out today to compete in the State DECA competition. They compete tomorrow and we will find out Tuesday if she won. Fingers, toes and hearts crossed that she does her best. I am hoping the fact that she left her DECA blazer behind is not a sign of how prepared she is. She sent her dad a text to inform us that she had forgotten to pack the blazer. She knew he wouldn’t care and he could be the one to break the bad news to me. Not sure why she didn’t call me. It’s not like I would let my head spin around more than 3 times and breathe fire very long. Silly girl.

I just gave her a dose of her own medicine. I simply text, “Dishonor on your cow!”

She’s going to wear her friend's. Problem solved.

Prayers requested for many things today, I am looking at a large/expensive undertaking personally and our family is looking at taking on a large responsibility.

And then there’s that Disney thing. Pray I don’t need medicine to get through it all. The husband and I prefer long lazy beach days.

Cheer’s to Springing Forward today; at least it was easy finding a seat at church today.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Killing Me Softly

Man, I think I am feeling better and all of the sudden it sneaks upon me. Stealthy little bug, isn’t it?

The Eldest Girl went with a small group of friends to a concert in Nashville tonight for a friend’s birthday. Some Nickelodeon group – Big Time Rush? The friend’s dad took them. The best was the look on her face when she realized she had to fund her own outing tonight. This is her kryptonite. She is the most helpful, quietest, smartest child but you ask her to pay you back – YIKES. She bites! Poor bill collectors…they will all be missing fingers when she gets into the world.

So back to my sickness…as if I wasn’t having a great week anyways, I decided to take water to bed with me tonight instead of soda. I am really doing well on changes that matter this year. I drink half the glass before I get up the stairs - and its tasting sooo good – and I realize, oh frick and frack, we are under a boil water advisory. I may have just drank death.

One would think the girl who spent the afternoon announcing the boil water advisory on the radio, would remember SHE is under the boil water advisory.

If I don’t make it through the night, just simply put on my headstone…”Should’ve Boiled the Water.”

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Today, I Went Too Far

It’s been 52 hours since I realized my body had been infected with a stomach virus/death bug. Not sure who I picked this up from but pretty sure I won’t be nice to you anymore. Death by ugly looks, I tell you!

Thank God I took a bath Sunday afternoon about 3:00 p.m.; thinking I was headed to see the Lady Cougars play ball. It was the last I would smell good for a few days. By 4:00 p.m. my head was closer to the toilet then it should ever be without a facemask. Thank God again for my husband, the janitorial engineer!

Yesterday I got to take an adventure to help a friend select her wedding dress. This would have been so much more fun if I had felt better BUT I’m glad I went. It’s weird how they say you will know the dress when you see it. It’s the first dress she picked out, the first one she tried on and they only one she teared up when she wore. It’s gorgeous. I had this vision of us drowning in taffeta and lace, choking on crystals and pearls and throwing tiaras like daggers at the consultants for not pulling the right dress. It was almost too easy.

I had never gotten to shop for a wedding dress before, since my beauty was made for me. It’s probably a good thing I didn’t feel better, I would have been in the dressing room next to her trying on more than she. I would have been the only Bridezilla not getting married…

I ended up going home, hitting my bed at 3:00 p.m. and getting up at 6:38 a.m. I needed many meds to get through the night but by morning I was up feeling somewhat better, until I fully woke up. I felt horrible, but in this world I cannot waste another day in bed.

Kids to school, work, lunch (should not have had), home, laundry, pickup kids, home, laundry, took middle girl to volleyball, DECA practice, home, dishes, laundry, cooked dinner with eldest girl, laundry, bath, bed, blog…

(I'm looking into disposable clothing)

Not sure who I thought I was this afternoon, but Superwoman was wrong.

The good news is my husband’s friends are here. I’m sure my invitation to watch a movie that he rejected had nothing to do with their surprise visit. The truth is I’m glad they are here. I get to fall asleep with my leg kicked out on his side of the bed. Good times I tell you!

Bible Verse for the babies to learn today:

John 11:35 - Jesus wept

Not sure if this is a sign of a lazy momma, a really sick momma or a momma who wants to weep.

Oh, I must tell you of the toothbrush experience. This makes me laugh…now. So, there I was, mouthwash scorching my mouth and I thought – wait, you need to throw your old, contaminated toothbrush out. So, I go to the closet where I hoard my “good deals” and start fishing for a new toothbrush (mouth still full of foaming hot mouthwash). I find the expensive Oral B that I got for nothing BUT needs scissors to open. Forgot to put scissors in my pajama pocket last night, CHEESE AND CRACKERS!!! Digging deeper I realize my only option for a new toothbrush this morning is a child size, battery operated spinbrush that comes with stickers. I’ll take it. I run back to the sink, spit out the devil mouthwash that has disintegrated half my tongue. It took me 10 minutes to brush each tooth with my new toothbrush. I did put my name on it. Don’t want Jason thinking I got this big machine out for him! The fire breathing dragon sticker was selected to remind me why I made this ridiculous choice.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Simple Joys

Made it to Priceless Foods today and I will shop there for every grocery trip. .61 cent loaves of bread? Are you kidding me, of course I whipped out a cheerleading move in the middle of the aisle. I only knocked over one old man and a display of cans. I heard someone yell “She hates these cans!”

I’m kidding, I didn’t knock over any cans.

But I am so excited about this employee owned store. They were all so nice. Yoplait yogurt .50 cents each, before my coupons! The meat prices almost made me break out into a Broadway musical song. I can see me riding a shopping cart across the store, arms spread wide like the scene from Titanic. Only low prices would be my love, not some peasant boy.

I blew by the blueberries at Kroger and said, “pfttt…$4.38…I just paid $2.98.” Yes, I really did speak to the blueberries. It’s a problem I suffer from. I talk to more inanimate objects than people. They’re very agreeable.

I worked with a Hosparus nurse today for my “These Are The People In Your Neighborhood” segment. I’m not sure which story captivated me the most, the nurse or the patient. But I left wowed and filled with a whole new respect for this service and these nurses. Can’t wait to get my video put together so you can see what I saw. Touching…

I made good on my new monthly resolution. We learned a new Bible verse on the way to school this morning. I failed to get the proper note cards to write the verse down on, so ill prepared I started with John 3:16. The eldest girl went on to say John 3:17…(show-off, she gets this from her dad)…the middle girl knew it also. The boy struggled. I guess it’s that photo shoot he has scheduled every Wednesday night during his youth class. His facebook page sure is full of content each Wednesday night after class, from all the “tagged photos” from the girls in the class.

In other 61st Day Business:

My favorite gifts of the day? My new Brighton bracelet my sister got me with a faith charm! I love it, I love it, I love it. My other sister got me Bobalulu earrings with two sets of interchangeable beads. I love it, I love it, I love it. What the heck, I love them! Thanks girls! (Birthday gifts for all those scoring at home.)

My favorite quote of the day: “I’m sorry, did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of your sentence?”