Monday, January 16, 2012

Diary of a Mad White Woman with a Toothbrush


I’m in deep, ya’ll. Half a bottle of Soft Scrub, my husband’s toothbrush and 30 minutes later the bathtub jets are still causing me grief. DO NOT EVER BUY A JETTED TUB AND ACTUALLY TAKE BATHS! Guess what happens to the wet jets after each bath, THEY STAY WET AND MOLD, each nook and cranny molds and you cannot clean it easily! So frustrated. I finally filled it up and poured a gallon of bleach in it and turned the jets on. Take that Devil Bath Tub! If that doesn’t eradicate the mold, I am prepared to invest in pool cleaning equipment. I will not lose this war!

I am also battling the overuse of hair thickening lotion; brand Sammy, which is horrible. The Eldest Daughter cannot get it out of her hair. I couponed it for free, sometimes we get just what we paid for. I just pulled out the heavy artillery, mixed with the wisdom that only teenagers of the late 80’s and early 90’s have; Tide! I think she was horrified when I washed her hair with shampoo and then grab a bottle of Tide. This tip comes with a parental warning; please children, don’t try this at home unless being supervised by a previous teenager of the 90’s. But even with Tide I had to wash it four times to get it all out. Pansy Tide of the new millennium, where’s the good stout stuff we used in the 90’s before washers required high energy detergent.

In other 16th Day business:

I made it back to the gym tonight after more than a two week sabbatical. It’s amazing how good it feels to put your body in pain.

I did not cook today in honor of MLK Day.

I have stayed off the skin care system for three days now but my mouth still resembles the Jokers. The corners of my lips are cracked open. Not cool. My husband doesn’t know if he should kiss me or smear sav on me.

I left the husband a new, battery operated toothbrush. I’m sure this one will increase the splatter on the mirror that he claims is caused from the kids secretly using a weed-eater to brush their teeth.

One child’s prayer for the night included the following shout outs:

Dear God, help all the drama starters, help Lucy, Jane, Susie, oh and Sally. (fictitious names to protect the possibly innocent)

The Boy dropped his phone and broke it. He decided to replace it with $63 of his birthday money. God forbid he uses the little flip phone from days gone by. Whatever would his posse say at school? I hear the mother in the Fresh Prince video, shaking her long finger and saying “You’re only 16 you don’t have a rep yet.”

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