Saturday, January 28, 2012

Pants on the Ground!


Well that’s fantastic news. To find out that I just washed my face, and the clean towel out of the closet smells like DANG IT!

FRICK FRACK FRICKIN’ FRACKIN’ SMURFITY SMURF!

I’m not sure how my perfect children failed to get the towels out of the washer before they soured. This is completely beyond me. Have I mentioned that I sold a kidney to buy my new skin care set? Having to use twice the cleanser in a night is not in the rationing!

The best part of this ordeal, I now have the enchanted job of finding every stinkin’ towel; pun intended. I can only imagine how attractive I will be to my husband when he finds me with my head inside the cabinet, legs hanging out and the sounds of sniffing – like a drug dog – exuding.

We’ve spent a vast majority of the weekend celebrating all of the holidays for the Thomas’. It was a Sweet 16 for the husband & I, and another one of my babies stepped into teenage land. I had not looked up – until today – what the traditional anniversary gift is for the 16th Wedding Anniversary. I know that the 15th is Crystal but wasn’t for sure about the 16th. Jason told me it was “Trinket.” And that was the reason we ended up at the Dollar Store for our Anniversary.

The day was normal. He text me to say he was going to send me flowers but decided to take me out to dinner.

I stop here and reflect back on the fish sandwich episode. (Refer to Day 3 blog) Was he really planning to take me out? Because he knows it’s the Middle Girls birthday and she does NOT like for us to celebrate our Anniversary on her birthday. BUT, to my surprise I came home to a man in pants! Yes, PANTS! He never wears anything but shorts. He also put gas in my car, took me to Mi Camino AND to the Dollar Store to let me use my coupon that was going to expire that evening. It’s funny the little things we do for each other - this many years in - that we know will mean more than material gifts.

We got away with all of these shenanigans because the Middle Girl ended up at a friend’s house for a few hours.

Back to the Dollar Store, he got lost in the store’s merchandise. “Ohhh, the trinket aisle!” – said the husband with his high, squilly voice and waving hands. He found the cat a house. She loves it! He found me the nicest card, let me read it and then put it back. He’s the best!

I do want to take a moment to say out loud that the 17th traditional gift is furniture. I’m pretty sure that will be just as perfect as the pants! The pants I found on the ground this morning, picked up and put in the laundry. Snap back to reality.

The Middle Girl took a posse to the roller rink today to celebrate “13” - we also had McDonalds, Baskin’ Robbins and then to Kohls so I could use my Kohls Cash that was about to expire. The girls had the most fun in Kohls. I felt like the mother who had bought her toddler the world for Christmas and at the end of the day, the toddler loved the cardboard box the most.

As a mother of two teenage girls, and the wife of a pant-less man, I covet your prayers!

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Brownbag Love

It’s been a semi-interesting day. Some good, some concerning. Not a lot to talk about tonight. We are coming upon our 16th Wedding Anniversary and somehow that always sparks a special emotion days before. The husband and I are enjoying our lunch breaks this week. I know you are picturing the scene from ‘Lady and the Tramp’ and as much as I would love to be a spaghetti slurping dog, I have to say it’s more like an episode of ‘Cheers’ when we walk into Subway every day. Except “Norm” doesn’t get to tab our food.

Normally, we just watch each other eat, well, he eats and I talk non-stop. This week however, we have put real effort into it and sparked up conversation. He’s such a trooper.

This may be my anniversary gift. I can just hear him saying, “I did too remember our Anniversary and got you something. I’ve talked to you all week.”

I’ll take it.

We don’t get to talk about it out loud since we share the day with our Middle Child, who will be 13 the same day. We learned on the 11th Anniversary to NOT leave home and celebrate that day. Epic Failure. These seem to be mounting up. Birthday Hex I tell you. Both my babies suffer from this.

It’s Wednesday and the new Food Giant and E.W. James ads are out. Have you made your list? Checked it twice? Ready to price-match? Make for sure you don’t buy groceries until they are on sale and you have a coupon. That’s not always easy but it’s possible for over 50% of your groceries. If you don’t have a coupon, at least price-match your groceries at the local “Mall” (WalleyWorld). You can print coupons on-line, also. They are not just in newspapers, anymore.

I mentioned yesterday that I racked up on .25 cent Christmas products. You can find these at the Dollar General Store this week. Tissue paper, gift boxes, spoils of ribbon, coffee mugs, etc. This is the perfect time to buy these items, save a ton of money next Christmas, and stash them in a tote beside your Christmas décor. Also, this week the Dollar General is printing a $5 off coupon on their receipts you can use Friday. And they accept coupons. You really have to get in on this game.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Locks of Love?

“Momma, somebody has cut a big chunk of his hair,” – hairdresser.

As we are getting the Boy’s hair cut Monday afternoon we learned that someone has taken it upon themselves to relieve the boy of an inch of his locks in the back. I am taken back to the scene in ‘Great Balls of Fire’ where some girl cuts a lock from Jerry Lee Lewis’ hair and he yells, “That girl just cut my dab-blum hair.” The girl claims it’s a keepsake.

The Boy looks down and grins and says he has no idea who has cut his hair.

So ole “Hot Lips Houlihan” has a following I am assuming. We heard from a teacher when he was in 5th grade, that the 3rd graders had an “Eli” Fan Club. I thought she was kidding until a parent saw us talking about it on facebook and said her daughter about passed out in the car telling her how Eli had said “Hi” to her that day.

The Eldest Girl kept claiming he knew exactly who cut his hair and she put her money on a 12-year-old stalker type female. Her solution? Give him a chili bowl haircut! His name IS Elijah Gabriel, the Amish hair style would appropriately fit his name.

Maybe the kid is like Samson, all his cuteness and power to swoon the girls, is in his skater-boy hair. Maybe if we shaved his head, his chapped lips would heal? Interesting…Sell the kid to the Amish? They do make some pretty amazing bread. I wouldn’t leave him there forever, just until he’s at least 30 and I have found his perfect bride.

The kid did hit 3 three point shots Saturday and totaled 18 points in his game. Not that he had a parent there to witness this. I worked early, came home and fell asleep, and dad skipped to watch UK. I was told he was on fire! And social services were called to report that he did not have a parent present to see the “fire.” I knew they would be called someday…just thought it would be the lazy maid’s inability to keep the house sanitized. (Maid being me) She stinks at her job. I think I will fire her – hate to do that in such a bad economy.

In other 24th day business:

The Eldest Girls haircut is tha bomb!

Racked up on .25 cent Christmas goodies today!

Monday, January 23, 2012

Death by Hairspray

It was a sneak attack this time. Typically I know the signs immediately and can self diagnose, self medicate and move forward. This week it took me days to realize my hairspray was slowly plotting my death.

My chemical allergy is more annoying than anyone could ever imagine. Certain times of the year it is worse. Women who wear perfume - and way too much of it – have no idea what they are doing to women like me. My throat begins to feel like someone is clawing the skin from it, my lungs seize and if I ingest enough of your funkiness, eventually I end up with bronchitis if I don’t immediately take a Benadryl.

So think about this, it happens a lot! Therefore, I live in a Benadryl haze. Quit a crappy and annoying allergy.

Note to self: When you rule the world, all perfume will be destroyed. All bad smelly candles, potpourri and awful cleaners.

Some are ok for me to use, which is weird. Men’s cologne? I could drink it and be the happiest girl in the world. Love it! There’s a couple that are iffy.

Anyway, last week was weird. Could not wake up, my throat was hurting, my sinuses are impacted and finally Saturday I slept 18 of 24 hours, literally. Sunday morning, I started to fix my hair, and there it was. The funky feeling and taste in my mouth that has kept me down all week. Did I mention the crankiness? I owe my husband the biggest apology. Sorry baby!

Bottle tossed, it was a free one I had couponed. Guess what brand – Sammy! Yuck. The same stuff that caused us to wash the Eldest Girls hair multiple times with Tide to get the “Sammy Thickening Lotion” out!

In other weekend business:

The boy scored 18 points in his game; 3 x 3 point shots. Go Boy!!!

I have no idea about the rest of the weekend, I was asleep.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Hot Lips Houlihan

“I heard a bunch of stories today about you kissing girls,” yelled Middle Girl as she jumped into the car after volleyball practice today.

“I haven’t kissed any girls,” proclaimed the boy.

“You better not! Momma, how old does he have to be to kiss a girl.” – MG

“What? You’ve kissed a girl? You better keep those lips to yourself or I will tape them shut and home school you!,” –brilliant mother.

“I HAVEN’T KISSED ANY GIRLS,” angry boy.

I only share this bit of information to share the dad’s reaction. But before I do I need to make you aware that thy Boy has suffered from horrible chapped lips for weeks. Scary looking lips.

I’m in my usual spot - working away - when dad learns of today’s events and the obvious bad gossip that Middle Girl was given at school. (Of course its gossip, my children are perfect. Only their eyes steal answers, you cannot hold the rest of the child responsible. Refer to previous blog)

“Found out why the boy’s burning through chapstick!” – Laughing Dad “But oh Hot Lips Houlihan says it’s because he licks his lips.”

Awhile later I hear from downstairs the song ‘Your Kiss is on my List’ blaring. The boy with chapped lips and a red face run into my room.

“Daddy’s playing songs about kissing and his friend Tim told me a disturbing story about a girl, a movie and a bad kiss.”

I’m not sure. I’m just not sure. Home school the boy, tape the husband’s mouth shut, lace the boy’s chapstick with hot pepper juice…what happened to that three year old that was crying at the ballpark – “What will we do with daddy when I marry you, momma?”

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Been Caught Stealing

“Mom, do your eyes ever wonder?” – my child.

“All the time,” – while driving to church tonight.

“They do? Do they ever steal?” – my child

I am taken back to an event two years ago. Said child jumps into car after school and yells, “I hate these wondering eyes! They won’t stop wondering around and stealing answers.”

This child was so serious and frustrated with the eyeballs in their head that completely refused to do what this child wanted them to do. Such scoundrels; these eyeballs. All I could do was offer to poke them out.

It’s been such a tiring day. I think I will just shut these eyeballs but not before seeking prayer that the child’s eyeballs behave and not steal.

Anxious to see how the child gets through the week with grounded eyeballs.

Monday, January 16, 2012

Diary of a Mad White Woman with a Toothbrush


I’m in deep, ya’ll. Half a bottle of Soft Scrub, my husband’s toothbrush and 30 minutes later the bathtub jets are still causing me grief. DO NOT EVER BUY A JETTED TUB AND ACTUALLY TAKE BATHS! Guess what happens to the wet jets after each bath, THEY STAY WET AND MOLD, each nook and cranny molds and you cannot clean it easily! So frustrated. I finally filled it up and poured a gallon of bleach in it and turned the jets on. Take that Devil Bath Tub! If that doesn’t eradicate the mold, I am prepared to invest in pool cleaning equipment. I will not lose this war!

I am also battling the overuse of hair thickening lotion; brand Sammy, which is horrible. The Eldest Daughter cannot get it out of her hair. I couponed it for free, sometimes we get just what we paid for. I just pulled out the heavy artillery, mixed with the wisdom that only teenagers of the late 80’s and early 90’s have; Tide! I think she was horrified when I washed her hair with shampoo and then grab a bottle of Tide. This tip comes with a parental warning; please children, don’t try this at home unless being supervised by a previous teenager of the 90’s. But even with Tide I had to wash it four times to get it all out. Pansy Tide of the new millennium, where’s the good stout stuff we used in the 90’s before washers required high energy detergent.

In other 16th Day business:

I made it back to the gym tonight after more than a two week sabbatical. It’s amazing how good it feels to put your body in pain.

I did not cook today in honor of MLK Day.

I have stayed off the skin care system for three days now but my mouth still resembles the Jokers. The corners of my lips are cracked open. Not cool. My husband doesn’t know if he should kiss me or smear sav on me.

I left the husband a new, battery operated toothbrush. I’m sure this one will increase the splatter on the mirror that he claims is caused from the kids secretly using a weed-eater to brush their teeth.

One child’s prayer for the night included the following shout outs:

Dear God, help all the drama starters, help Lucy, Jane, Susie, oh and Sally. (fictitious names to protect the possibly innocent)

The Boy dropped his phone and broke it. He decided to replace it with $63 of his birthday money. God forbid he uses the little flip phone from days gone by. Whatever would his posse say at school? I hear the mother in the Fresh Prince video, shaking her long finger and saying “You’re only 16 you don’t have a rep yet.”

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Boys: (n) a noise with dirt on it.

I was going to blog today but then I logged onto Pinterest…it’s the place where my dream house lives, my perfect hair exist and my closet is packed full of the perfect outfits. It really is like being a paper doll living in a virtual world. If you do not know what Pinterest is, just stay away. Fair warning!

“I made lasagna, washed the dishes, swept the floors and took a shower in 42 minutes,” said the husband. Well look at him turning into a woman! If they only knew that mom's spend the majority of their days moving at the speed of light.

He did handle the last two hours of the birthday party by himself on Saturday. The Boy had a house full of 12-year-old boys running in and out, making a mess. It smelled like a zoo when I got home. How come boys smell so bad? I just don’t understand. When cleaning the house comes in "layers" - it's been a party.

The only thing the husband could say was, “Do you think if we put dirt floors in, the kids would pack in hardwood?” Not sure I won’t try that in my dream house. Well, back to Pinterest to see if I can find pictures of blue-zillion dollar homes with dirt floors. It never hurts to have a picture to show the architect.

The Eldest Girl has sported a red and navy stripped sweater all weekend. The Husband is now calling her Freddy Kruger. Is that healthy? To call your child Freddy Kruger? If she turns out weird, I blame the Husband. I was calling her Mr. Rogers. A much safer option.

In other 14th and 15th Day business:

I saved a small fortune in bath soaps and deodorants this weekend with a great coupon deal that my older sister Amy figured out. I bought $61 worth of products for $17. I’m stashing all this extra cash for those dirt floors. As the husband says, “You’re just running into money aren’t you baby.”

The good news is they make a 3-in-1 body wash, shampoo & conditioner product. If I could only get toothpaste in that mix we could cut the Boy’s shower down from his normal 10 seconds to 5. I’m still pondering why boys smell so badly.

Friday, January 13, 2012

I Walked Uphill Both Ways to School

Is it normal to find grey hair on a 12-year-old? I’m not sure if this means I’m driving them crazy or it’s a sign that society is way harsh on our youth. Not to embarrass the 12-year-old, I won’t mention which one of my 12-year-olds it was found on; the eldest or youngest. Oddity for the day around our household for sure! It was plucked, we will see if two grow back.

So they got to miss their first day of school today after yesterday’s blizzard of 3/10 of an inch. That’s the true measurement from the radio station. Let’s hope the new guy knows how to use the measuring stick.

I get a phone call that says, “Come home and drive me to Aunt Buffy’s so I can play. She was just here 10 minutes ago and I wasn’t ready to go then, I was outside playing on the trampoline.”

Ok, let’s stop here for an informational session. The child is outside playing in the snow. Aunt Buffy was just there offering a ride. Aunt Buffy lives so close that if I sit on my porch at the same time Aunt Buffy showers, I can tell you if she shaved her legs or not. (Get some blinds Aunt Buffy)

Middle Girl says, “No, it’s too cold outside to walk to Aunt Buffy’s. You should come home from work and take me up there and then you can go back to work. What would she think of you if I walked up there by myself?” Good thing I dye my hair on a regular basis or I would be bald from plucking all the grey that I am sure has to be there.

Well, if Aunt Buffy thinks badly of me, I will share if she shave’s her legs or not. Stay tuned.

So after all this, I got to pull out my first official “I Walked To School Uphill Both Ways” story. I said, “Aunt Buffy and I walked all over the hillside in the snow when we were half your age and by ourselves! That’s all we had to do. Get up there.” I realized what had happened after I got off of the phone.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Cruisin' From My Bed Tonight


My iPod may be my favorite object. It knows me so well. Every avenue of my life is encompassed in a playlist. Tonight’s just happened to be a shuffle selection and it’s landed on good ole Reba. I have been transformed in thoughts of two young, big haired girls with socks and flats, peg rolled jeans and enough gas money to cruise Leitchfield all night long. Susan and Misty spent many nights making the loop from 259 South back to the courthouse to do it all over again, and again, and again. Reba had nothing on us two. Occasionally we would break from Reba for Billy Squire but not too often. The funny thing is, we probably only hung out doing this for a year, not much more, but it feels like we lived 10 years. It’s funny how you pack in more activities in one day of your youth then you do in a month of post youth. Susan (Thelma) was a few years older than me and was always teaching me something about boys, money or self confidence. We learned to smoke together, she didn’t last but I was no quitter…nope Louise kept it up for 16 years. Ridiculous!

Ahhh, the good ole days I do NOT want my children to experience. That is why I am gathering brochures on “How to be a Monk” and “Nun’s-R-Us.” They will adjust, if not I am working on their future spouses. At least I am giving them a choice.

Madison doesn’t like this idea. Not sure why. She said I would pick her a “Mathlete.” Not true, mathletes are strange plus I don’t have a need for a nerdy mathlete. A Chef, Builder, or Billionaire. Now that’s what we need in the family.

I got a surprise "I Love You" text today. I love the ones that are for no reason. I recently watched an episode of “King of Queens” where Doug told Carry that he didn’t want to say I love you when they hang up the phone any longer so that when it is said, it would hold more value. I thought of that when this text came through. I thought about showing it to Jason when he got home today. Just Kidding! It was from the love of my life, Mr. Thomas. I bet he remembers the socks and flats wearing, big haired Thelma and Louise that used to steal his Jeep and drive around town; looking pretty fly might I add. Oh the Boys of Summer. Loved that song while driving his Jeep.

Middle Girl got to tumble all around the town today. (When the Boy was 2 he would say, Momma, I love you all around the town. We have adapted this saying to lots of things in our world) It was her first gymnastics class and she was smiling from ear to ear the entire time. She’s waited forever for this day. She even did a back hand spring. Of course she was spotted and it looked like a fish with legs flopping out of water, but she attempted it! That was the mission!

The Boy got home from church and I asked what they learned in youth class. He said, “We listened to a song about a long black train and I’m pretty sure it was about God.” Wonder what gave it away for him? Couldn’t be the fact he was at CHURCH. Quick like a cat that boy is! I get home to pull up his facebook to find several pictures of him and a girl playing around in youth class. Now I’m amazed he was able to name the song since he obviously had a photo shoot scheduled at the same time of class. My bad for not knowing. I really need to have his “people” talk to my “people” on a regular basis. This is no way to parent.

In other 11th day business:

So thankful for a God that hears and answers prayers. What a mighty prayer a friend and daughter have had answered this week, after a year of us praying for them. Just when I thought God had not heard us, he showed up in a Mighty Big Way!

Another product review coming your way: Nivea is the only chap-stick to use. The blue is best. The pink and yellow are horrible!

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Peeling Away the Layers

I would like to thank the Academy, my husband and children who are my inspiration, my parents and of course my manager for this award I was given today.

There was no naked, golden man holding a sphere given to me. Not a moon man, or even a post-it note saying “Blogger” award. Really I just got…well, she said my name out loud and called me consistent. My manager, Christy, (I know you read manager above and thought I had a “handler” but I really just meant my manager at work. Sorry for the confusion, I can see where that could happen) gave me this award today because I am the only one still blogging. Well, it’s no Moon Man, but I’ll take it and say thanks for noticing me.


I bought all of this today for $31. The regular price at Wal-Mart would have been $54. How? Price matching and coupons. Very simple really, just pull your ads and take them with you. The store policy says you don’t have to have your ads but it’s easier if you do, they tend to question a lot.

Eldest Girl is unhappy with me tonight. She loves concerts and wants me to take her to Nashville on a Wednesday night to see One Direction. She had asked this before and I agreed (not knowing it was a week night) that I would take her IF SHE bought mine and her tickets and paid for gas. Frick frack, the girl has a job now. NOT ON A SCHOOL NIGHT. She was not pleased with this answer. I took her to see Avenge Sevenfold a year ago. That was a nightmare. I literally prayed most of the concert. True story. Did I mention we were in the mosh pit?

The Middle Girl however is very pleased with her mother tonight. I typed this conversation as it happened. “Tomorrow is gymnastics – been waiting forever. I’ve been begging, begging, begging, begging (tappers off), Ohhh Avery texted me.” She gets the A.D.D. from me. She really has been asking me to sign her up for gymnastics since she was 11. Everyday this kid would ask me if I had been successful. The teacher only takes so many at a time, I’m really not as mean as to put her off for two years. But now I have a visual of her (13-years-old, 5” 7”) standing with a group of five year olds waiting in line to have their turn learning a sit and roll over flip. You know, the kind you learn when you’re five. Maybe I should have gotten an earlier start on this “getting my kids involved” thing. Procrastination is the devil. At this rate the Eldest Girl won’t get her driver’s license until she’s 40.

After months of deliberation, I have a new, very expensive, skin care set from my skin doctor; been using it now for five days. My skin is on fire and layers are peeling away. I have swollen areas and my lips are doing this weird dried, light pink thing. Beauty is pain, right? I am hoping when all this peels away my inner beauty is finally revealed. She looks just like Cindy Crawford. My luck I will look like Ugly Betty AND I spent the Boy’s entire college fund on it. Aaaaiiii, he didn’t need it anyways, he’s headed to the NBA. BUT, I may need Middle Girls fund to repair the damage to my face. This is why I buy cheap stuff, it doesn’t really work therefore making it pain free and my inner beauty continues to hold on to the prospect of finally coming out.

Monday, January 9, 2012

Did I Shave My Legs For This?

The chaos in my A.D.D. mind really is very indicative of my days. The normal morning routine went off without a hitch. Wake-up, go downstairs, start coffee, drink water, drink chocolate almond milk, pour half a cup of Southern Butter Pecan creamer, pour some coffee over that to heat-up the creamer, up the stairs, wake the children, into closet to get ready.

After everybody gets settled into the car the middle girl says “Let’s start a new morning routine called ‘Does Everybody Have Everything?” That’s a great idea, since none of them can remember a thing. I blame their father. I applauded her and the other two for having everything and then she says, “Momma, did you get your water bottle?”

Ok, now I’m back in the car strapping back in WITH my water bottle.

After about three hours of work I decide to spend my lunch break coming back home to shower and re-get ready for the day. No I didn’t forget to shower this morning, I didn’t have time. And since two teenage girls used all the hot water last night, I was left with coming home at weird hours of the day to bathe. This has to be against the law somewhere. Good Lord above, how did my Daddy handle 7 girls?

Take Two: Headed back out into the world with shaved legs and deodorant, things are feeling alright! I’m now leaving my SUV to have a break pad looked at, and the dealership gives me a Hummer to drive. Uhhh, have you seen gas prices? Got anything smaller? I am now crammed into something not much bigger than a shoebox with wheels. I find myself daydreaming about taking the front seat out and just sitting in the backseat to drive. I would have done this if the front seat would have fit in the trunk but the car’s windup key took up all the room. The dang thing gets 40 miles to the gallon. It should, considering it went faster when you turned the heat off, and it buzzed – like a bee. Good thing I smell good, my feet are in my face.

Spent the rest of the day working, CASA meeting, Clarkson Commissioners meeting and now I’m home by 8:00p.m.

“Do we have cat litter,” asks Eldest Girl. Yes, why? “We need it for our boat.” (I’m just going to walk away from this one. But yet I wonder; who has a boat? Are her and cat running away? Think the cat talks? Should I drug test the girl? Drug test the cat?)

In other 9th Day business:

I did learn today, however, that seeds can predict the weather. If you cut persimmon seeds in half this time of year the inside is black with a white cord down the middle. If the white is shaped like a spoon it means “shoveling snow” and if it looks like a fork it means “breaking ice” and I don’t remember what a knife symbol meant. Most of these seeds were spoons so it looks like snow is a comin’!

After months of review – Aveeno hand lotion is the best made. No greasing feeling, no smelly perfumes and it works!

Ohhh, Honors Chemistry Class has a boat. Still think I’m going to drug test my cat.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Seven, Eight – Play It Straight

There is a monster that lives inside my sweet, precious baby boy; its name is appetite. When this darling is not fed it produces a volatile creature that doesn’t seem to be able to control its temper.

Mr. Hyde came to visit us Saturday after the Boy’s second basketball game had come to an end. This was the 2nd game of the day and a second loss for the team. However, this game was tied until the last few seconds.

The buzzer sounds, the jersey comes off and onto the ground and the shoulders slump as tears start to swell. I cannot get across the floor quick enough because I have seen Mr. Hyde come out before. We make it out of the gym with a very angry mommy. Pouty McPout Pants is not a child I deal with very well.

However, its 11:30 a.m. and I learn the Boy has not been fed. We learned this about him in 4th grade. There must be breakfast in his world or he will bite. He and dad were both in trouble. I got there at the last game because I had spent my morning with Eldest Girl and her new job as the Saturday morning News Caster for K105/AM 870. This drug us out of the bed at 5:35 a.m.

Luckily, we found a few crumbs and fed the little creature. Ahhh, he instantly begins to chill-out. Praise the Lord – I’ll put the adoption papers away now.

I cooked two kinds of potato soup and the Eldest Girl made Nutella cookies. She’s getting good at this cooking thing. I enjoy hanging out with her and I’m proud of the young lady she has turned in to. Still few words; ironic she has a new job where she is paid to talk. That makes me laugh. Maybe she has been conserving her voice all these years like some professional singers do.

Middle Girl was inside long enough to peel one potato. Dad and his friend repaired the mangled trampoline and that was the last we saw of Middle Girl. Dad was smart enough to pull the trampoline close to the window where he sits the most. I’m pretty sure I saw him throw a ham out the window. At least he fed her.

It’s been pretty uneventful at the Thomas household. Spent most of Sunday working on coupons between church services. Best deal of the day? L’Oreal eyeliners - $1.49. 75% at Rite Aid and I had $1.00 coupons. All I need now are 10 more eyes.

Friday, January 6, 2012

Birthday Blues


I dressed much more appropriate for work today. I put the track suit in the shop to have the oil changed since we exceeded the mileage yesterday.

The weather is warmer today. You know why? The boy came into the world 12 years ago today. “You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are gray.” I tend to turn everything into a song. It’s one of Jason’s favorite things about me; so I told him. He agreed after some nudging.

So, I officially have two 12-year-olds now. At least for the next three weeks until Middle Girl turns 13. Luckily, God gave them their own birth year, even though they were born 11 months and one week apart. Middle Girl gets to claim 1999 as the Boy claims 2000.

What a whirlwind finding out we were pregnant with a third baby while the girls were 2 ½ and about 11 weeks old. I was only 22. My dad told me, “Honey, he (God) won’t put anything on you that you can’t handle.” “Well, he sure thinks the world of me,” replied I.

What do you know, he really does. How very blessed we are to have these three and one waiting for us in Heaven. I suffered an ectopic pregnancy when the Boy was 4 months old.

So I woke him up this morning with a small turtle chocolate cake in my hands, some singing and big ole kisses on his check while he slept. Oh the smell of that cake…yum. Until he opened his mouth and the stench of morning breath arose. I almost dropped the cake on the bed while trying to grab my throat. Not sure why God thought morning breath would be a great idea; pretty sure it’s one of the first few questions I’ll ask when I get there. Oh the pondering never stops.

It was almost an epic fail for this mother. I was not quite up to par when we got home this afternoon and decided to order pizza for dinner instead of heading out for our usual “Birthday Dinner” where the child gets to pick the venue. I told him we would do it tomorrow after ballgames. He headed out to play b-ball with all the other boys in the neighborhood as I went to church and then returned to my sister’s house for a game night. The boy came in a little later pretty upset with very few words. He fell asleep.

We made our way home and he confessed the day just didn’t feel like a birthday. Boooo…I’m a horrible mother! He had several phone calls and cards in the mail but he never came inside after the basketball games started. I talked him into opening his gifts, which he loved and threw himself across the bed to tell me. We gathered around to sing the old b-day song. We have a party planned for next Saturday but I guess sometimes it’s just not the same. Now that he is in middle school mom can’t drop-off cupcakes and continue the celebration throughout the day. Poor guy…HEX I tell you.

Well, the Eldest Girl has to work in the morning and since I will be driving Ms. Daisy, I must get to sleep. Tune in; the girl is a news caster now!

Thursday, January 5, 2012

It Takes Two To Make A Thing Go Right

Good thing Ole Girl put on her track suit this morning instead of choosing something more appropriate for work. Before 8:00 a.m. I realized that I would be spending the better part of my 8 o’clock hour back-tracking. I really shouldn’t be surprised, since I have such a horrible memory, that both, deuce, duo, two of the children forgot their books for school.

As frustrated as I was that I had to head back home and grab the goods and repeat the path I had just traveled; drop-off at high school and drop-off at middle school, I remembered that I also had to head back to church and grab my glasses I left laying on the alter last night. But somehow I was still able to find a way to blame their father.

I’m getting ahead of myself. Before I knew I had to go home and grab two sets of books, I had decided to stop at Dan Powers to have them listen to the funny noise my front wheel is making. As me and service man are riding around in my automobile, the Middle Girl calls to alert me of how she NEEDS me to bring her the books NOW.

“Momma, I forgot my books, I need them now.”

“I will bring them in a little while; I’m at the dealership letting them hear that noise.”

“Momma, when are you going to bring them?”

“As soon as I can.”

“But momma, when are you going to bring them?”

“As soon as I can, if I knew a time I would tell you.”

“BUT momma, when are you going to bring them?”

“I have already answered you.”

“But momma, when are you going to bring them?”

“I’m not going to answer you again.”

“But momma, when are you going to bring them?”

“I have to go Middle Girl.”

“But…” click.

Did somebody put a broken record on the phone at school? You may be surprised to know that at this point in my day, I am still semi-sane even though I am hearing the William Tell Overture in my head as I mounted my trusty steed (Enclave) to make the mad dash.

Let’s recap. In a matter of 40 minutes this morning I dropped off three kids, rode around with another man, argued with a 12-year-old and almost lost, went to two schools and church.

The clock strikes 9 a.m. Work. On-Air. Off-Air. Record news. Mounting trusty steed again. Home. Lowes. Sams. Skin doctor. Oh crap, my phone just decided to alert me that Eldest Girl has a dentist appointment 30 minutes before her appointment.

Tag, you’re it. The Husband already was leaving work to pick up Middle Girl from volley ball and now he’s getting a text that he has to grab Eldest Girl from DECA practice and take her to the dentist. “I will pick her up on my way back through,” I promised.

There he was in the waiting room, holding his hand out waiting to tag me into the ring. Back to work for him.

Thank God for him.

How exciting to learn that the Eldest Girl’s hygiene is one of the best of all doc’s patients. YAY! Sunday’s teeth brushing throw down paid off! I feel less guilty now and pretty secure that if anyone called social services over Sunday’s deal that dirty teeth won’t be listed under “areas she failed as a mother.”

The Pearly White Patient and I head to the grocery and then home to cook dinner. Chef Boy R’Husband already had some of it started. I finished it up and I guess we’ll see who comes along to do the dishes. (Seeking volunteers – We don’t drug test those working for free)

In other 5th day business:

I did however find something in my adventure today that is a bit disturbing. Refer to picture. As I was walking through Sams I saw these Nintendo DS gift sets for pre-school ages. Gaming system, game and snuggly animal. However, one gift set packaged with the cutest gray elephant was coupled with the game “Battle of Giant Mutant Insects.” What? Not sure what to think of this. However, I have to think some disgruntled employee is still laughing at his day’s work and stroking his weird little beard.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

What? No room in the Inn?


I don’t sit around and ponder the Universe, the Seven Wonders of the World, or how it’s possible that I am able to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Nope, my mind is occupied this evening with the choice made by the Middle Girl. This little piggy went to the market, this little piggy stayed home, and THIS little piggy decided to take a nap in the foyer on a rug.

There is a bedroom upstairs that has her name on the door and bunk beds inside. Now, for all of you who missed that day of school when we learned what bunk beds were, that means she has two, count them, two beds in her room. My mind wonders to the other three beds in the house and a couple of couches strewn about; two of which are just feet away from where she lays her pretty head to sleep.

So, why? At what point did she grab her pillow, walk around the house and say, there! That spot right there is just right! It’s perfect! I will sleep by the Front Door.

Maybe the cat starring at her will be able to magically speak later and share her thoughts.

Moving on…

The Boy. That’s about all I can say today about him. He’s stinking up my plans for his birthday party.

It is days away, and I do this every year. Christmas comes and goes, then New Years comes and goes, and we settle back into a routine for a couple of days and then it happens. I get smacked square in the face with the remembrance of the Boy’s birthday and my lack of planning for his party. God love him.

His party typically resembles a garage sale of left over decorations that look like they have exploded. The color scheme and theme are a hodge-podge of whatever I scratched-up out of a box or cabinet from a party I catered. I’m not sure but I think he had a banner once that said “Over The Hill” next to a balloon that said “It’s a Girl.”

He’ll be 12 this week. I remember one birthday I forgot to grab candles while I’m standing at the bakery having Lucy scrapped off the only cake available last minute. The only candle in the house was an 8, a used 8 from a sister’s previous party. It still burned. I tried to turn it upside down to see if I could make it look like a six, but it still said 8. Dang trick candles!

I do already have his gift for this year! But it’s wrapped in Christmas paper; no lie. The Middle Girl’s birthday is three weeks after his so I wrapped their gifts the same day. Wouldn’t you know it, I got hers wrapped and ran out of paper and had to use the Christmas paper on his. I had to get the box covered before he saw it.


I wonder if the Boy will live his whole life under this birthday hex. I considered changing it when he was 2 or so to a date that was easier for me. I realized that one day he would find his birth certificate, and the chances he would read someday were decent so, I left it alone. Kicking myself now. Anyway, I booked a venue today, thinking I had done pretty well. He said, “I don’t want to go there.” Of course he doesn’t. That would make this birthday madness easier. Hex I tell you, hex!


The Husband cooked dinner again. Spaghetti! (I got that spelled right on the first try. Kinda proud of myself)

As I stare across the kitchen, smelling this yummy goodness, I notice my glass rooster that is beakless. It had a run in with the Boy and the Husband; lost top and bottom beak at different times. Poor thing. It’s homely looking now, guess I better give up farming and throw it away.

I hear the odd stomping of what sounds like the Hunch Back of Notre Dame dragging his lead foot around. I realize it’s the Boy with the broken toe (trampoline accident over a week ago) and I wonder why the limping is sooo exaggerated tonight.

The Husband begins to tell me of the massacre his basketball game was tonight and how they lost. Ah ha! The broken toe MUST be the reason they lost! It cannot be a lack of talent. I’m not giving in to his tactics. I’m not even going to ask him!

What if all the power of his basketball skill lies wrapped inside this little piggy, a little broken piggy. I cannot handle knowing this. I would much rather believe the Boy is a natural born player who will someday make billions of dollars in the NBA and take care of his marvelous parents. But then again, Michael Jordan’s power was encompassed in shoes.

Maybe he’s not covering his shame under a broken toe after all.

The Eldest Girl. She walked in armed with two pairs of tweezers. I reshaped eyebrows like Edward Scissor Hands. I did get her to speak, “Ouch.” It’s progress.

The Middle Girl was wakened to go to church, she said, “Is Dean still here?” Dean had not been to our house all day. I’m blaming this entire front door sleeping, non-sense speaking, craziness on my husband’s side of the family. Oh well, she totally redeemed herself in her night prayer with her thoughtfulness towards her brother. “Please God, take his crankiness away forever.”

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

That's How We Roll, With One Eye Open


Text Message 11:36 a.m. from Eldest Girl -- “Will you make that chicken stuff for dinner? The kind we had when Alisha was there?”

Ok let’s stop here. Chicken stuff? There are only a couple recipes that you can use with Filet Mignon, salmon or say, brisket, but CHICKEN? There are like a blue-zillion! And since Alisha is one of blue-zillion children that are at my house regularly it took me a minute to narrow done what “stuff” she was craving. BUT, since I am a genius mom, I was able to peg this “stuff” after only two more clues were given. Cheese and noodles. The two items that turn all things casserole.

“Will you?” – Text message two hours later. “Yes,” I replied. “God Bless You,” said Eldest Daughter.

After a mad dash through Wal-Mart to grab what I needed, I realized that I picked the wrong day/hour to be at Wal-Mart. Can we say beginning of the month? Eieieiei. I envisioned myself perched upon the Coca-Cola display shaking my fist and yelling, “Smufity Smurfin’! You know their Smurfin’ coming, why not open more registers!” But I don’t curse. The curse of no cursing. So, it was one of the loudest yells I have ever heard inside my head; gave myself a headache.

I decided the Eldest Girl will learn to cook her favorite “stuff.” I make her put plastic gloves on to work with the raw chicken and, in great detail, explain how to not cross contaminate the counters and her hands. She did really well! Until she had to take the gloves off. Yep, she got them off by grabbing the contaminated fingertips with her bare hands. *sigh

My husband gave the girls their first lesson in “Male Tactics” today, even though he didn’t intend to. He will be attending a fish fry this evening. He sent me a text earlier and offered to bring me home a sandwich. I smiled; how sweet. He’s always making for sure I am taken care of. (See my eye lashes fluttering?) The Middle Girl read the text to me and I had her reply, "No thanks, can't have that right now." He arrived home and the Middle Girl says, “I want you to bring me a fish sandwich.” He said, “If there is any left.” “You were going to bring Momma one home.” What happened next is the lesson.

“Yeah, but I knew she couldn’t have one,” explained endearing husband.

I guess I should be pleased that he knows I will stick to my convictions, but I shouldn’t be surprised that he cashed in on it. “Learn from this girls, just learn from this.”

The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round. The low gas tank goes ding, ding, ding, all – the – time. Just a little diddy I wrote this afternoon while rolling my eyes at the prospect of having to get gas…again. Feel free to use if/when necessary. I don’t copy write any of my music. The amount of running that comes with three children is expensive, exhausting – wouldn’t trade it for the world.

“Keep writing about me and we are going to get into a blog war,” – it’s the endearing husband speaking again. Before I can get out these two words, “You blog?” “I can learn,” rolled off his tongue. Quick witted AND cute…I must denote this. I guess I just did.

Back to the Eldest Daughter, who never speaks but we learned recently that she’s a great rapper (according to the kids at school). Dad finished the casserole as she received a phone call and walked away. Attention Deficit Disorder? Fake phone call to let Dad do the work? Or just Teenager? Being Endearing Husbands child, I’m going with fake phone call.

The Boy’s lesson today? While headed out the door to the basketball game dad pulled out $10. The Boy said, “I have $10.” “Give it to ME and I will double it at the card game tonight.” Not sure that’s a lesson or something I should have seen coming and blocked like a linebacker.

Well, I’m headed to church for prayer service. We like to keep all things in balance at the Thomas household, that’s how we roll.

In other 3rd day business:

Saturated Kleenex with eye makeup remover, rubbed over eyes, began to scream and spit. My tip of the day? DO NOT sit eye makeup remover next to skin care toner, especially when both bottles are purple. I did call myself genius above, right? If there are typos, blame the eye that refuses to open. The other is open, just slightly crossed.

I learned from a friend tonight. A grandmother grieving her daughter’s miscarriage of a 9 week pregnancy. While praying with her I wondered, how can some women abort babies and some grieve so much a baby they have never even seen or held. God reminded me – We walk by faith, not by sight. This woman of faith knows God’s love and has such faith that she is able to love on a deeper level; through faith. She inspires me.

Monday, January 2, 2012

Two For The Money


“Momma, Momma, she got me a Vera Bradley for Christmas,” says Middle Girl, as she runs out of school today. What? That’s awesome but I can’t compete with friends who buy Vera Bradley purses for their friends as gifts. Those Aeropostle house shoes I made middle girl pay for (life lesson) don’t look near as appealing as a gift now for said friend. “Momma, please take me to Whoop-De-Doo Designs and let me see what else I can find her.” The dumb part – I wheeled into Whoop-De-Doo Designs to allow her to search for items to compensate for said VB purse. Luckily, the store was closed and I have more time to ponder my next move. Now comes the dilemma. I know the tricks of the trade and I know that this $44 purse surely was not bought at full price. Do I expose the bargain and chance devaluing her thoughts of the gift? Do I explain it could be a re-gift and that this is not a normal price range 12-year-old girls spend on each other? Do I make her stick to her original gift? Do I make her find cheaper friends? DANG YOU OTHER MOTHER FOR PUTTING ME HERE! (But thanks for the purse; I have the perfect Navy sweater to carry it with!)

I guess I must expose the truth and let the chips fall as they may. The truth will set you free! Maybe she will see the value in bargain shopping and become my protégé.

I was in a similar situation Christmas Eve with the Boy. He received a pair of Nike Shox that he had been eyeing for months. Original price - $120. Misty’s price - $10. No, I didn’t steal them and my self-proclaimed fame did not score me the deal. I watched them for a while. They went on sale. I received a $25 off coupon of $75 or more. I positioned myself in the store on a day that shoes were buy one get one half off. I needed new zumba shoes so I bought the Shox as my half off. At this point they were marked down to $70. This made them $35 and I used my $25 off. Bota-Bing!

Back to the original story – I decided to expose my thrifty deal to the Boy to test his level of “See What I Have.” You never know when it hits, or how hard, but everyone goes through this in life. So the litheness test was placed at his feet; no pun intended. I said, “Boy, guess how much mom paid for your shoes.” He quoted several prices. I said, “$10.” Wait for it…I got a fist pump! (Wipe sweat from brow) I was afraid he would look at his shoes as devalued, BUT he couldn’t wait to kick up his foot at every family member at Christmas and yell out, “Look at my $10 shoes.” All were wowed with his shoes, and some got to taste the $10 shoes, since the Boy’s ability to judge distance lacks.

What can I say, some deals really pack-a-punch!

In other 2nd Day business:

Snow is falling and causing lots of accidents, luckily my City Council meeting is moved to tomorrow. The most tragic accident was the loss of the trampoline Santa Clause left for the Thomas children. It bit the dust. So did their trust in dad’s ability to tie things down. Sure glad it was a Black Friday deal.

Pondering What Happened On Day One

It’s a New Year, thus bringing new inspiration to build on foundations I’ve laid the past couple years. There are several to work with. Better get out my spackling since I am sure a few are cracked!

My bargain hunting and coupon addiction is part necessity and part game. I am hoping to be more consistent in the game; spend more time making out menus from sale items instead of bulk buying and choosing dinner from the stockpile. My kids are afraid to walk into the pantry, in fear of the possibility of drowning in cereal boxes. Great deals at $1-$1.5 a box but unfortunately they don’t like the idea of fruit loops for dinner; especially after they had them for breakfast, lunch and three snacks. Not sure why this isn’t working.

WATER…oh no…here it comes. The dreaded water resolution; did you hear the echo? (Hand upon Bible) I vow to not buy a super big, supery, delicious diet coke fountain drink every morning on my way to work. Instead, I will bring water from home in one of my many water bottles. Water bottles that I bought thinking it would inspire me to do this before now. Fail. Thankfully, this doesn’t start today since today is Sunday and I don’t have to be at work. Thank you, Jesus for the small things. This will also save me $283.40/year. Yippie!

I nearly lost my life in the middle girl's closet. Where did it all come from. I grabbed a tape measure and made for sure it was a standard size closet after she got it all pulled out. I think the girl may have a secret lair in her closet.

Why are children not born with hygiene “know how?” I failed somewhere to realize that I must show, re-show, show again and then do-it-myself. This conversation was heard in my house yesterday at a decibel only dogs could hear. “The toothbrush must hit all teeth, all sides of teeth and the tongue. What the heck, be an over-achiever and brush your gums, too!” I say every day, “Did you use mouthwash?” “Why yes wonderful mother, I did,” reply the children. BUT, upon asking to see how they are using the mouthwash, there was none to be found in their bathroom. Quizzical isn’t it? And the pondering continues into the 2nd day of the year…