Saturday, December 22, 2012

Holy Visitations at the Thomas Home

"We need more laundry detergent."

You probably think this is me screaming to myself since no one else in my house would seem to care or even know this information BUT this was heard from the voice of an least what I deem to be an Angel; my 12-year-old boy!!!

That's right, I couldn't believe it either. He's been dabbling in housework on his own in small doses in the past few weeks but I heard this out of his darling baby doll lips Wednesday as he was headed outside to play basketball with the neighborhood kids.

I came home Thursday afternoon and the two boys had pulled everything out of my big pantry and organized it AND the Red Headed Step Child organized/cleaned out the refrigerator AND they organized my food cabinets.

Friday afternoon I came home to the boy who had organized underneath my kitchen sink!

Saturday morning when I came home from the early morning news shift at the radio station, I found the boy unloading the dishwasher. I just stopped and absorbed the goodness of this vision. I am beginning to think these are not my children but Holy visitations from Heavenly beings that look like my children.

I walked into the pantry to throw away the trash I brought in from my vehicle and I heard this Angel speak..."Does that trash need to be taken out."

Oh Heavenly Father, Hallowed be thy Holy name, thy Kingdom come, thy Will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven...

this must be what you meant...this must be how it's done in Heaven.

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Jesus Healed the Un-Cool

All I wanted was a cup of coffee as I reached up to grab my too-big container of coffee grounds; the too-big container that I have to lay on its side to store in my overhead cabinet. As I was pulling it out the lid came off and grounds scattered everywhere. Thank God I keep my little shop vac right near the kitchen.

I got every last single ground sucked into the vacuum, pulled the plug and spun around on my heel. There it was…my frustration at its height. Oh Jesus help me, it’s Sunday morning and all I wanted was a cup of coffee. Now I’m about to lodged this shop vac through the kitchen wall at the same time my tongue and head spin in the opposite direction as my feet start stomping harshly into the cold tile.

The rest of my kitchen, the part that was to my back during the cleanup, is covered in a brown dust. The stinking, forsaken shop vac did NOT have a filter in it. The coffee blew out the back of the vacuum...

Pretty sure you could have fried an egg on my forehead from my blood boiling.

Thank God my husband keeps his ServiceMaster Clean backpack vac in the garage. I’m going to need the professional equipment and two Valium to get this mess under control.

I thought about taking a picture but was afraid my iPhone would melt from the fervent heat pulsing through my body.

An hour later, the kitchen is spotless and there is even a ham in the over for the red headed step-kid. It’s his fav…mamaw’s good ham. (Refer to last blog)

The weekend was busy; the boys had their first Jr. Pro game. I was taking photos with the iPhone and got this one.

See the ball? After the 3 pt. shot was made I asked the husband who made it and he looked at me, stupidly might I add, and said, “Your son.” Ohhh, well I got him making it, cool!

Nope, the kid’s not in the pic. My stupid luck.

It’s like this pic from a week ago. The sisters, our mother and I went to see Jersey Boys. We ask a foreign lady to use my iPhone to take a pic. This was the best of the series she shot. I’m pretty sure it’s my Christmas card this year. *sigh

In other Thomas family business:

The boy had toga day. We pinned a queen size sheet around him, after much folding, and we were on our way. He got out of the car and it all fell apart. Drop off line is not a place to retie a toga. No sympathy found from other parents. The kid ran into school looking like he was dragging his blanky.

The kid spent the better part of Sunday doing laundry. He’s doing such a great job, this is twice this week he has done most of the laundry. Go Team Thomas!!!

My boss, Mark, and I broadcasted the twilight Christmas parade Saturday. You know what you get when you have a tree, a guy and an iPhone? Mark’s senior pic…23 years too late. Why do guys senior pics always involved a tree limb? If we had only had a Trans Am.

Saturday night I heard the giggles of 16-year-olds. I open the eldest girl’s door and found this.

Not sure why they all weren’t out on dates…

But praising God they weren’t.

Attended church with some awesome people Sunday morning at their new church. –Just making a mental note here so I can remember the day.

Quote of the Day: (Setting – Christmas play rehearsal)
Director: I need people to play each part: deaf, dumb, blind, dead and lame
My Child: I’m not sure I want to be lame…who wants to be un-cool.

Praise God Jesus came to heal the lame. We wouldn’t want a world full of un-coolness wondering the streets.

Saturday, November 24, 2012

Tricky Holiday Ninja

I had my heart set on a $39 Ninja Blender. I own the Ninja 3 piece food processor set and it’s a good product for everything but making smoothies; which is why I bought it. I realized to grind the oatmeal in my smoothies that I would need the blender, where the blades are located differently than the food processors.

I got my hands on the Black Friday deal and was thrilled since the Ninja Blender is typically over $100. I got home and raised the lid, anticipating my morning smoothie lump-free, and found a duplicate of the food processor I already owned. Stinking, tricky Ninja Company; how dare you package a piece of the food processor set as a blender and stick a low “Black Friday” price on it. It was returned and I’m now looking for another brand.

Thanksgiving dinner was a success. I cooked turkey & dressing, corn pudding casserole and deviled eggs on Wednesday. In between working and sterilizing my house before the health department shut me down and took my children, it was completed; after a night with my mother and two sisters to see the Broadway Musical ‘Jersey Boys.’ (Free tickets from work are the bomb-diggity)

We, as a family, hosted my daddy and his wife, my six sisters and their children. It was the first time that we had all been together for the holiday in years…

Everybody’s taste buds were tantalized as I made two kinds of dressing, cornbread and herb, Annie brought Chicken and Dumplings and daddy brought Chocolate Gravy and Biscuits. The best part…Annie brought school lunch trays. Shut the front door, how much better is Thanksgiving dinner than having it from a school lunch tray?

Thursday we enjoyed lunch at my momma’s, who prepared the entire feast alone. It was, as always, delish! My mother’s cooking is famous with our kids, their friends and our friends. If we want our children to eat something we couple the statement with these words, “It’s Mamaws Good” (fill in the blank). We can get them to eat anything, anywhere if we say it’s mamaws good corn, or beans or gravy. Totally brained washed our children with mamaws cooking.

We journeyed to my husband’s parents home for dinner where I was waddling, but was able to force down a piece of yummy chocolate pie and two pieces of fresh, moist banana cake; didn’t want to disappoint the cook. It’s tough but somebody had to do it.

Thursday evening I headed to the first store to do some shopping, was there from 7 – 11 p.m. then onto a second store before coming home to load up a couple of teenagers to head to Bowling Green to hit the mall for a few hours. I got some good deals but the husband scored with his first ever Black Friday trip.

I came home at 4 a.m. Friday morning and slept until 11 a.m. He and I borrowed the good doctors truck and headed to Elizabethtown to the Best Buy where we found a great deal on a new t.v. for his “man cave.” I scored a new pre-lit Christmas tree and Arby’s roast beef on the way home. Totally worth the extra travel for the day!

New tree is up, new monster, too-big, drive-in screen is mounted proudly on the husbands wall like a trophy and the old bigger t.v. has been relocated to my room.

Only causality was my allergies after the husband kicked up dust from changing out my old t.v. to my new one, and the assault on my wallet isn’t as bad as I sit here lounging with a lumpy smoothie while trying to adjust my eyes to the larger view.
The eldest girl got this fabulous hat for $4.00. Rock on, kid...rock on!

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Socks, Gloves and Boots – Where Shalt Thou Be?

“How many lives will I live?” – Me texting the husband.


“Huh” – Response from the husband.

“How many lives will I live?” – My attempt again to gain an answer.

“I have no idea what you are saying, but I am going to say one.” – Husbands response.

“So you’re saying I should buy the shoes? Thanks!” - A humbled and very surprised me.

“Oh, NOOOOOOO $$$$$$$$$$” – A husband who’s trying to get out of telling me it was ok to buy new boots.

I clearly gave him the opportunity to have a voice in the purchase. I do have to say, these new boots are not only pretty, but comfortable. I wore them all day Monday and my feet never hurt. So I want to spend the first part of this blog thanking the husband for always thinking of me and buying me wonderful gifts; when I least expect them.

RIP old boots, who are now laid to rest with the Sharpie marker that kept them polished on the toes and heels.

Guess what, I’m back blogging about DECA. Yay!

I love this club. We traveled to Indianapolis, IN for four days of fun with 41 teenagers and seven adults. Doesn't that sound just like dessert? Actually, these teens are a great bunch of kids.

We toured Lucas Oil Stadium, Indianapolis Motor Speedway, and attended a Pacers vs. Mavericks game.

My boys aren’t fans of either team and both have a weird obsession with socks. So it was only natural that their souvenir would be black NBA socks from the gift shop.

I lost them somewhere between Bankers Life Fieldhouse and the homestead.

The boy asked me if I had bought him anything, like maybe socks. I had to report that I had and also had lost them.

Two days into my grief over the $20 lost pairs of socks, I expressed to the eldest child my shame in my irresponsibility. She said, “I have them, you left them in my room.”

All is right with the world again!

I feel like Queen Marie Antoinette yelling “Let the boys wear socks!”

I did however head to Indy prepared for cold weather. Just as I was about to leave I realized that I would need gloves. I head upstairs and open the drawer with winter items and find four black gloves; all four different. So, being a very stylish, intelligent person I made a decision. I took all four. Luckily the weather was never cold enough to warrant me wearing my mismatched hand-huggies. However, my roommates and I had a ball laughing at my misfortune. I guess I’m in the market for gloves; I will have to see if I have any lives left with the husband.

Quote of the Day: We should have a way of telling people their breath stinks without hurting their feelings like, “I’m bored, lets go brush your teeth.”

Wednesday, October 31, 2012


My family loves to dress up for Halloween. Well, the husband and I love it. The kids are about over it. Since I just started blogging this year I thought I would share a few of our current Halloween costumes and past performances.

Today for the radio show I was “Crazy Target Lady”

I’m pretty sure I am going to wear this on Black Friday. I think I would be able to get to any door buster I wanted without being demanded to the back of the line.

Over the weekend my husband and I were “Captain Kangaroo and Mr. Rogers.” (2012)

Last year we were “Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker.” (2011)

I really went to the PTL Club when I was younger. Thank goodness the Tootsie Roll Company sent us wax lips in our Halloween candy shipment, I would have never pulled it off.

Before that we were “Suzanne Somers and Richard Simmons.” (2010) The best part of this costume was the Thigh Master my sister still had in storage. I just stood around all night working the Thigh Master like it was my job. Didn’t walk for three days after.

This one year when my babies were all in grade school I found the cutest monster treat idea. These were so much fun…for the first six. We made 90. My husband almost banished Halloween treats from our repertoire after this episode.

Last year my sweet eldest child was the gorgeous Audrey Hepburn. She bore a stunning resemblance. (2011)

I’ve had a Candy Corn Witch (2011)

MTV’s Daria and Jan(2008)
"Daria and my Pirates" (2008)

My Michael Jackson and his friend Elvis return from the dead (2009)

I've been “Medusa” (2004)

“Wonder Woman and Captain America” (2007)

"Wednesday and Pugsley Addams" (2008)

And one year I even had a “Girl Next Door Bunny” and “Hugh Hefner” (2009)
That one should come with a warning label...

This sweet blast from the past is one of my favorite days. (2003) Eldest girl loved her kitty tied to her broom and the babies loved their cat and dragon costumes.

I already have next year’s picked out and I cannot stop laughing…My husband morphs into any character spot on! Tune in…

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Down on Broadway

Oh, how I do love Broadway plays.

I got the husband on board when we visited New York in 2008. We saw a production of Shrek. The small, old theatre was filled with small children but it was my husband who was knee-slapping throughout the show. He was hooked. We left that matinee and went to a second play, Chicago. We got to watch Ashley Simpson play Roxie.

Last night we took the girls to see Beauty and the Beast in Louisville. It was a beautiful production of the timeless classic.
The eldest girl saw her first play when she was nine. I took her to see Chicago in Louisville. She loved the movie as much as I did. But her favorite production is Wicked – she’s seen it twice.

Broadway is a must for children. Even the boy loved Wicked – after asking during intermission if they were going to sing all the way through the second half.

I think the experience opens their eyes to a whole new world, especially in an avatar/computer world, real life beauty, dance, music and theater

is something they all should experience. It feeds the senses and broadens horizons.

In other Thomas Family business:

The eldest girl has decided what she wants to be when she grows up. A speech pathologist. Yes, this is the child who was voted “Most Quietest” in 7th and 8th grade for yearbook superlatives.

This a far cry from her 3-year-old dreams of being the “Coke fixer at McDonalds,” which she proclaimed from her car seat one day while glaring at the machine filling drinks. Her brother announced in a pageant that he wanted to be the “Pizza cutter boy,” when he grew up. Middle girl never got a say, she was told by eldest girl she would be the French fry fixer at Captain D’s because she liked their fries the best, and needed an inside connection to free fries. They had it all planned out at the ages of 4, 5, and 7. It’s good to be the age where your job isn’t about the money but about the perks.

My sister Kylee decided she could never work at Wal-Mart at the age of 8. She said, “They are open 24 hours a day! I would never get to go home.” She assumed if the doors were open, you are to be working.

Quote of the Day: I NEVER run with scissors! Actually, those last two words were unnecessary.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Anit-Jokes, Song-Pop & Boys w/Books

Apparently the new trend for kids are Anti-Jokes. The first comes to me via my middle child, who in turn blames the eldest child for telling her the anti-joke.

“Why did Susie fall off the swing? Because she didn’t have any arms. Knock, Knock. Who’s there? Not Susie.”

Terrible, I know.

So stop laughing.

I think as punishment I will tie all their arms behind their backs while trick-or-treating this year.

In other Thomas Family business:

The husband is addicted to Song-Pop. I’m not sure why he is addicted to this but not me. I have walked around for years singing small portions of songs and he never just sat and gazed at me for hours. His phone must have superpowers over him.

The boys were threatened to bring a book home to read one chapter each night. At the 11th hour, the new boy came running out at the end of school with his book waving in the air. Sheww…I would hate to drop him at the court house with a note pinned to his collar that said, “Failed to bring book home.” I think that’s what I threatened them in a fitted rage when they failed to bring a book home last Friday.

Quote of the Day: Sorry I went into survival mode when you tickled me.

Monday, October 22, 2012

The Boy. The Nerd.

Why does a thick pair of glasses bring out the nerd in people? Is this innate in us? There is an unclaimed pair of BC’s lying on our counter in the game room and I noticed the boy eyeballing them.

What’s BC’s? Glad you asked.

My husband was in the Airforce in the early 90’s. His basic training was in Texas. I used to tease him that someday a long lost child from Texas would show up on our doorstep. That was until I saw a picture of him in his BC’s. His military issued eyeglasses, also known to the soldiers as Birth Control’s. The picture assured me that he was NOT procreating while stationed in Texas.

The boy finally stretches his hand out and slides these glasses onto his face. It was like an instant metamorphosis. His bangs split in two, and his other hand grabbed his shorts and pulled them as high as he could before slouching into a comfortable bend. His tiny frame began to wiggle back and forth with his fists going the opposite direction.

Even his voice changed.

Proud momma. I knew he would grow up to do great things.

Our weekend was full of family. My nephew Maxwell turned nine and we celebrated down on the farm. My sister bought land that her boys and mine love to roam over and discover new things, like a small cave. We trekked our way to this small cave, navigating down a hill using a rope as a railing system that my brother-in-law installed. On the way back up my other sister’s two-year-old little girl– who she was carrying the entire way – said, “It’s almost over momma.” At the top of this very steep hill she then said, “Sheww, I’m tired.”

She's a stinker. If you're not from the south, that's a term we use for children we love. Just walk away from trying to wrap your mind around this and carry on.

We went to church with this same sister on Sunday. It was “Neighbor Day” at her church and we live in the same subdivision. The Sunday before she had invited us since it was “Family Day” but we over slept and didn’t make it. She forgave us since “Neighbor Day” was near. Saved from disgrace.

I came home and cooked all day Sunday. I rarely cook anymore after eight years of catering almost burned me out; pardon the pun. My husband was hunting all day. He has a new bow, a new bruise on his arm after Sunday and Thank God, no dead animal in my deep freeze. Not sure I’m ready to be that kind of wife. We gave up being doom’s day preppers…too much pressure. I’m too busy pinning funny saying’s on Pinterest…pffttt, gallons of water and bean sprouts. I’ll just dye laughing.

In other Thomas’ Family business:

The boy got his basketball gear. He never takes off the socks. Weird, Nerdy kid.

Had a family cook-out with my small group tonight. Twice in three days I have cooked hotdogs over an open flame. I just realized, I could live in the last days. All I need is marshmallows. And hotdogs. And open flame. And a Stick. Yes a stick is all I will need – it will double as a weapon.

Quote of the Day: (Comes from Pinterest. Surprised?) When I stop to let you cross the road I don’t need you taking your time. Knees to chest, Heffer, knees to chest!

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Lego My Garbage!!

“Wow, your room looks great!” – Me

“Thanks, I cleaned it.” – the Boy

“Well, that was a decent decision on your behalf since I threatened your life yesterday if you did not get it cleaned.” – Awesome Mom

I walk out of his room and notice a large, full, black garbage bag laid at the top of the stairs. I open to find the contents of the boy’s room. I ask what this is and he yells, “My garbage.”

I rummage through to find his ENTIRE collection of Legos - some unopened - a Wii controller cover, parts to his dinosaur collection, baseball cards he HAD to buy with his birthday money and every missing sock I blamed my washer for eating.

There was this one year I was a bridesmaid three times. Each of these dresses costs at least $150. I hung them in the garage, covered in garbage bags, next to all of the other bags of my yard sale items. The yard sale I was sure to have in the spring, move my goods and make some fast cash. As I went to have my yard sale, I realized most of my goods had vanished, including the dresses.

Upon questioning my husband, through some strong persuasive language, he confessed he had taken my dresses – one at a time – to the end of the driveway each week and draped across our garbage. After my head stopped spinning, and I pried my hands from his neck, I’m now concerned that the garbage man thinks I’m one of those “Housewives” – you know the kind on TV – that just throws out dresses because I am so spoiled.

I redeemed myself with the garbage man. I left him a note that read, “Please don’t think our latest trash is a reflection upon my own behavior and assume I am pretentious. The truth is, I caught my husband cross-dressing and made him throw out his “wardrobe.”

I’m kidding, I didn’t leave a note. But I did choke him…three times…in my mind.

I tell this story to bring this blog full circle and pose this question: Why in the world would my son ever even consider throwing away perfectly good items. AND, do you think the garbage man’s wife is sitting at her kitchen table - adorned in my bridesmaid dress - writing out my garbage bill?

At least the husband took his garbage to the curb; the boys made it ten feet from his bedroom door. I refer you to the blog where he carried the towel to my bathroom…

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Christmas Return Line – Party of One

How in the world do I already find myself in the Christmas return line?

I’ll tell you how, I bought clothes for my 16-year-old and then showed her my choices. (Insert gong noise here)

I had scored a great coupon to one of my favorite stores so I decided to do some Christmas shopping. This isn’t early for me, typically I have most of Christmas bought at this point – I clearance shop a LOT. This was easier when my shopping list was full of little toy loving babies, who didn’t care what their clothes looked like.

I took her and her friend shopping and just happened to point at every item I bought, and said in a stupid voice, “Oh, this would be cute on you.” EVERY item I showed her she frowned like it had a butterfly collar.

OHHHH crap, I’m the mom in the Will Smith song, “Parents Just Don’t Understand.” Crap, Crap, Crap…

I confessed to her, and she ended up picking out all the things that I had snarled at; at first. They were cute after…well, I’m sure when she opens the boxes on Christmas morning they will be super cute.

In other Thomas family business:

The boy started basketball this week. The good news is he discovered that he likes Axe deodorant…he likes it three times a day: morning, before and after basketball practice. He smells like a gigolo when I pick him up. I’m sure to a person without a chemical allergy this kid is rockin’!!!

We spent Fall Break at home except for a day at Jackson’s Orchard; the land of the bestest apple butter in the entire world. I mean that – I’ve tried it all.

We took my nephews with us. Nolan told me all about his money store. His brother collects rare coins and Nolan’s understanding is somewhere between wanting money/all coins are worth BIG money. He decided to tape coins together and put yard sale stickers on his pre-packaged money. His mother shopped and paid $1 for two quarters. He bagged 20 pennies and put a $20 sticker on it.

I think I know where I’m shopping for Christmas!

He also informed me that he was going to marry a thousand girls 'cause he likes to kiss a lot. It's good to be six...

Monday, October 1, 2012

Can I Please Be The Age That Speaks Taco?

It’s the jumping jacks I really don’t care much for. They start out ok but after a few minutes my calf muscles are crying. It doesn’t matter now, though…I have been delivered from the dreaded jumping jacks thanks to my misbehaving bladder. So glad it’s come to my rescue. Me getting older = stinks.

I have spent the past week a bit furious over the amount of fundraising/working I am subjected to for all my kids’ sports and yet in the end I am still writing huge checks for all kinds of apparel. The kicker came today when the girls got into the car with new wind suits for volleyball and said, “She said she forgot to tell us that we owe $60 for each of these.” The best part of this…the last game of the season is tomorrow. Yep, $120 and they get to wear once. I don’t cuss…if you do – tear loose. I just want to point out that we made it all season without matching wind suits. Did we really need them? Just asking. I just paid $64 for one pair of tennis shoes for volleyball, the eldest girl still had hers from last year AND the middle girl has yet another shirt coming tomorrow that I owe for. The price has not been announced to me yet. The boy owes $175 for all of his matching basketball apparel; this is after $130 for the football season – that doesn’t include the cleats we bought or the gate fees. I’m sure the money we have fundraised is being used somewhere but shewww, at this rate I am going to have to become a Jehovah’s Witness so we don’t have to celebrate the gift giving portion of Christmas. This all comes on the heels of planning for the DECA fall trip and paying deposits on the eldest child’s senior trip to London/France. What happened to chocolate milky cups and $1.99 Happy Meals that kept them happy? These guys getting older = expensive.

In other Thomas family business:

Seeking someone to pay my water bill.

Seeking new job that pays $100k year and gives me four days and weekends off each week.

Favorite thing I heard today comes from my friend Allyson’s FB page and is a conversation between her 5 and 3 year old daughters:

5 year old: I am going to count in British; Uno, Duos, Tres…

3 year old: That’s not British, that’s Taco!

Friday, September 21, 2012

Caught on Camera

Your first thoughts of my dress? I ask so later in the blog you can compare your thoughts with my sons.
I was tagged in this photo by the events photographer. Yes, that’s me, the girl on the clean eating diet and here I am pushing my way through the crowd headed to the dessert table – true story. Thanks for reminding me Linda that I have no self control.

I had to cover the Annual Chamber of Commerce Dinner tonight which featured all the county's business leaders and special guest, Tom Mabe (CMT’s Comedian from Mabe in America). He was hilarious.

I always enjoy this event, it’s encouraging to see a room full of leaders come together and present awards to several they feel did something that has impacted the area. I love my community and the older I get, the more I respect these people who are our business leaders/politicians.

It was a packed house, barley room to walk through the maze of tables. Local musicians provided soft background music and a local caterer, coupled with DECA students, served a home-cooked meal.

I came home to find my boys watching X Factor. I walk behind the counter to kiss my husband when the boy says, “I like your shirt mom – you look like a transformer.”

Here I thought all the stares I recieved was for my new hairdo…but now I realize everyone was waiting for me to turn into a car and roll out the door.

If I were Transformer I’d want to be one of those sassy, little, two door Mercedes…very cool - BUT, I’d probably be a stupid Smart Car. I probably wouldn’t be a car-at-all. My luck, I’d be a dumb can opener.

Favorite Quote of the Day: I stay in shape by doing Yoga two or three times a week. And by “doing Yoga” I really mean shaving my legs.

Monday, September 17, 2012

Arresting My Neighbor

I get one cheat meal every week on this boot camp meal plan. Hold that thought.

I started this boot camp last Saturday with a couple of friends. I need to be a little more serious about toning, so I thought I would give this six week adventure a try. The first Saturday I’m pretty sure I heard the Sesame Street song playing during the workout, with a light shining on me…”One of these people are doing their own thing, the rest of these people are doing the same thing.”

At the end of class we were given a meal plan that includes a whole bunch of nothing good to choose from. Nothing ooey or gooey, nothing creamy or saucy…how can a person survive? And then there’s the 100 oz of water per day. I shall not stop my affair with my diet coke. So, I’m alternating. My doctor has me alternate advil and Tylenol…this has to be the same idea – diet coke, water, diet coke, water.

I typically eat pretty clean anyways but I’m not too strict. She did give us ONE cheat meal each week. I had mine Saturday afternoon; I worked ahead since I am an overachiever and had week three’s cheat meal Sunday and week four’s cheat meal today. At this pace, I’m going to finish this boot camp way ahead of everyone else. WINNING!

In other Thomas’ family business:

Saturday morning I headed to the radio station to work for the Eldest Daughter who had an ALL day volleyball tournament. As I pulled out of the driveway at 5:30 a.m. it was still dark and I see a car, headlights on, stopped in the road almost in front of my house…there is a body looming around the car.

Quickly my Charlie’s Angles instincts kick-in and I realize that the neighborhood bandit is here. Right here in front of me. (Refer to last week blog about neighbor’s car being broken into)

I stop and formulate a plot because I realize I have the chance to be a hero…a real one. So, I decide to investigate further by pretending to put mail into my mailbox. I find an envelope addressed to me and opened – it’s perfect! I pull out of my driveway and up to my mailbox with my eyes fixated on the bandit. My headlights are about to illuminate the being in the road when I hear my mailbox bite the side of my car. CRAP! I just totally foiled my plot. Now the bandit will NEVER take me serious when I jump out and scream “Citizens Arrest!!!”

I back up and pull back up to the mailbox; I must carry out my plan. I can’t just drive away now. I reach and put the fake mail into the box and I hear a voice say, “Do you have a tire pump?”

I jump like Freddy Kruger just reached into my car.

I look up to see my neighbor at my window. She had a flat tire. The good news is I didn’t have to arrest my neighbor. The bad news is my car has another scratch.

Quote of the day: Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor anything that is thy neighbor's. Nor shalt thy arrest they neighbor...

Friday, September 14, 2012

Downstairs Parent Makes Me Rich??

Time 10:25 p.m. Thursday, Sept. 13, 2012 – high school homecoming eve:

“Do you want to paint our capes in the foyer,” – Eldest Daughters friend.

I’m caught between the point of sleep that I don’t want to talk to you but I can still hear you. I pick up my cell phone and call the downstairs parent. “I just heard one of the girls ask if they wanted to paint their capes in the foyer. Please tell them to take them outside and paint in the grass; NOT THE PORCHES, NOT THE SIDEWALK, NOT THE DRIVEWAY.”

Laughing, he said ok.

I have a total of eight kids in my house when I awake at 6 a.m. Friday morning. The five high school girls are awake and on the move. Hair is being flat ironed, two are sitting against the bedroom wall looking like a mug shot (not sure any of them slept) and one is in the shower.

I go downstairs, make coffee, wash dishes, drink a glass of water (the start to the 100 oz. my boot camp instructors says I have to consume each day – I may drown on this diet) and make my protein shake. I wake the kid who lives in the toy room with the cat and then I ascend the stairs to wake bunk-bed kid and then onto the boy who gets lost in his down comforter every night; making me search for him every morning while worrying that he was kidnapped in the middle of the night.

I hear a chatty group of girls heading out the door and I rush out to grab a picture of them before they go to school.

I open the front door, step off the stoop and stop dead in my tracks. I am faced with an orange and blue “J SWAG” painted on my porch. The faint, spottiness of the paint tells me that the neighborhood preschoolers didn’t form a gang and paint some gang lingo on my porch overnight. My second clue comes when I look up and see an identical emblem draped across my daughters back.

After the girls head off for one of the few days they will remember the most in high school, I ascend the steps again to interrogate the “downstairs” parent.

I gently rub his arm to wake him and softly say, “Hun, when I called you last night with direct instructions to give the girls at what point did you drop the ball? There’s an awesome orange and blue J SWAG painted on the front porch. Did you not tell them to take it to the front yard and keep off the porches, sidewalks and driveway?”

He pleads a weak case saying he told them to take it to the grass, BUT I learn he didn’t explain all the places NOT to paint. He just assumed…

Math lesson: Obviously, if they thought they could paint on the hardwood in the foyer, then they probably couldn’t figure out that the paint would bleed - just a quick calculation I was able to make while in a fragmented coma like sleep.

I’m going to have to make flash cards with possible parenting scenarios – if these work I’ll market them for all moms. Keep your eyes open, I can already see the infomercial in my mind…

Look at “downstairs parent” making us rich with his assumptions about teenager’s common sense. Huh, Necessity IS the mother of invention, right?

Monday, September 10, 2012

Parading Criminals

$300 missing from my neighbors truck this morning…what makes me the maddest? The fact people will blame him for leaving his truck unlocked. What happened to the days of leaving your car door unlocked just in case your neighbor needed to borrow it throughout the night?

In my business, journalism, I get the opportunity to see just how tainted my area of residence is on a daily basis. I spend my time looking through stacks of citations, court dockets and listening to the police scanner. I’ve been telling my husband for months that we are going to have to start making for sure the vehicles are locked at night.

In the past year I not only started locking my vehicle but I started sleeping with two guns in my bedroom at arm’s reach; cause I’m handy with the steel, if you know what I mean (if you know what song that line if from – you’re getting old cause you’re my age). It’s a sad day in American when Podunk isn’t safe anymore.

I think if we start taking all of these criminals to every parade that comes around and making them walk through with a placard around their neck listing their name and crime, then maybe we will start seeing a decrease in petty crimes. AND, instead of them throwing candy at us, we go back to medieval times and we throw rotten fruits and vegetables at them. We are all looking for a stress release, this idea I do believe may heal us all.

Moving on:

I started boot camp Saturday morning where I go and have a woman with one of those ear piece microphones and buns of steel make me do abnormal things to my body.

I got the list of what to bring to the gym with me. It was a workout in itself just getting it all inside the car, back out and into the building. Yoga balls are not portable! Two sets of weights, a towel, deck of cards, a mat, and resistant bands. I was a broken down mule before I even got started.

The worst? Standing on the dish towel and falling forward onto my hands and dragging myself across the gym floor. Frick! Frack! That sucked! The good news – I paid for six weeks of this…I PAID for this. I’m an idiot.

I was sore from the tips of my earlobes to my toenails. Still am.

My clean eating chart says I have to drink 100 oz of water a day. My question today? Does the water in my coffee count? If not, I’m 8 oz in for the day and its bedtime. I’m obviously very good at this.

Tomorrow I promise to hit double digits in the water category. I hate to cheat on my diet coke…it really loves me so much. But I guess now that I look at the word I just typed out, DIEt coke, the first three letters of that may entice me to pull out the water bottle.

As my friend Brittany says, if I die, tell my story.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Knitting In A Public Bathroom

It’s been a wild ride this month; so much so that I didn’t need to actually ride any of the rides setup at the county fair this past week.

No month is complete without my weird sickness – this month I was blessed to experience food poisoning – or giving birth to NO baby, as I call it. Luckily, I was not home, comfortable in my bed to experience this wonderful event. Nope, I was getting ready to board an airplane. About 10 minutes before boarding, I started yacking! Good times.

All I wanted was the last row on the plane, near the restroom or potty closet – whichever. But nooo, those seats were already taken. I always hated those older, pushy kids that hogged the back seat on the bus, now they are all grown up hogging back seats on planes. It’s ok, I don’t hate you…anymore.

I got to sit between my husband and a very chatty strange man. I just wanted to punch him in the throat and tell him to stop talking SO MUCH – I obviously was DYING!

I almost apologized when we were leaving the plane and the stranger bid me farewell and get well wishes. I almost said, “I’m sorry I wanted to take your life, earlier,” but I thought that might be awkward first words to say out loud to him.

OHHH, the pain of food poisoning. I almost pulled it off. I had a grand scheme of jumping up and RUNNING to the front of the plane once we landed. I needed off that plane and to the nearest restroom. I was fantasizing about vomiting. I could not wait…

I really could not wait until the plane landed.

The worst thing about being sick in public is the time you have to spend knitting a pair of gloves and a toilet seat cover out of napkins before you can actually “be sick.”

Once this was in place, I was bracing myself against the walls, which were only two feet apart.

Poor person who was in line to use the restroom after me, I owe them an apology. We’ll just leave it at that.

My husband and I were fortunate enough to have a four day vacation in Florida, alone – just the two of us. I spent the last morning eating some precut/prepackaged fruit for breakfast, and I reheated some pork tenderloin from a couple nights before. Not sure which was the toxic element.

Jason keeps telling me that “living healthy” is going to kill me. He may be right.

We have only been on two trips all by ourselves in that last 16 years…it was awesome to get away.

I read the best book…”Heaven is for Real.” Buy it, Read it!

I spent the day after we got home, in the bed sick. Middle Girl was in the county teen pageant. She made Top 10!

So much more of August to talk about, but that’s another blog. Go buy the book and read it…carry on.

Sunday, August 19, 2012

A True American Hero

I met a man with a glass eye, a limp and a very soft voice due to being legally deaf. Scars wrap his face and he has two canes. One is to help with his balance and the other because he is legally blind.

Meeting this man has changed me.

He endured this trauma to his body for me…and for you.

He was a strong healthy man before he was in seven bomb blasts. He was an American soldier.

Now, after suffering the last blast and two years in hospitals putting him back together, he has written four books, two of which I have read.

MSG. Gordon Ewell writes in his first book, a book of poems – most of which he wrote while in Iraq, about his five daughters and their mother, his beautiful bride. These poems speak the love of his heart that he has for his wife, a life that seems like a fairy tale love.

I got to interview “Gordy” a couple of weeks ago and it was my honor. But I noticed in the second book I read, a story of how he functions with a Traumatic Brain Injury every day, and his life after the war, he doesn’t mention his wife. I didn’t see a wedding band on his hand during the interview. I didn’t ask what happened to his marriage but I was later told by another veteran that he is divorced.

I can only assume it was due to the very large burden of dealing with his injuries and new life.

I can’t stop thinking how he gave more than he ever considered. You hear how soldiers know the risk they are taking. A risk of death, but I wonder if they ever considered being wounded so severely that they didn’t die, but they lived; lived to see the life they knew before the war, die.

I am thankful I got the opportunity to meet Gordon. I have a renewed and deepened respect/concern for our warriors…America’s Heroes.

Gordon’s books are his way of reaching out to his “brothers” of war. He explains that suicide has killed more soldiers than the enemy. He is hoping to tell his story and bring awareness to civilians about what wounded warriors will experience for the rest of their life. He says it best, “The day they were wounded, their war began and that fight doesn’t have an end date.”

The profit from Gordon’s books is forwarded to support wounded warriors. If you are interested in purchasing his books you can search by their titles: "Dung In My Fox Hole" and "A Lifetime At War."

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

The Devil Went Down to Georgia

It wasn’t a fiddle of gold this weekend but it was a golden good time our community had under strung lights on our public square, resembling the movie scene from ‘Sweet Home Alabama.’ It was the Twin Lakes National Fiddler’s Contest!

Fiddlers from all over the U.S. came to showcase their talents.

Miss Kentucky 2011, Ann-Blair Thorton emceed the pageant Friday night. The Middle Girl participated. She didn’t place but boy did she make a momma proud. She reminded me of one of those old Hollywood Barbie Dolls when she put on her new dress. I’m proud of her for trying new things.

Saturday I was a DECA mom slopping BBQ for the boosters, but not before I took the Eldest Girl to the radio station to record Saturday morning news. I came home and heated up all the BBQ before heading to the festival. I spent several years catering so the day ahead of me was not going to be foreign.

After a few hours at the DECA booth I headed over to the basketball booster’s booth to work, then onto the middle and high school volleyball booths.

After 13 hours of feeding the crowd, we collectively made several thousand dollars for all the boosters involved. Hopefully the door knocking, cookie selling, raffle begging will be reduced after this event.

I learned that I desire to learn new talents…clog dancing. The Rocky Top Revue, who dances on the Grand Ole Opry, danced for us, and they were incredible.

I learned on our morning show Thursday that my sister Carrie was a clog dancer in her teen years. Apparently she was the cloggenest queen of them all. She brought me a dress her momma handmade her in 1978, and I wore it on the show Friday morning.

At the end of the day, I headed to the softball park where the ASA State Softball Tournament was being held. Middle Girl was playing. Her last game started at midnight…we strolled home at 2:00 a.m.
The came in 2nd place - go team!

I woke up to watch church live…thank God for Potter’s Hope online technology. I finally got my old aching bones out of the bed and made my way to Louisville with my Sister Amy to visit my dad who had knee replacement surgery last Wednesday.

In other Thomas’ family business:

The boys started football yesterday. I guess it’s time to get the Charmin out and wrap them up!

Both the girls made the high school volleyball team! It’s time to start complaining about their uniform shorts being way too short!!